Home > Miscellaneous > Oops > Chapter 4
Eventually, Anne finished licking every bit of stickiness from her fingers and sat back, looking up at her. Brynna licked her lips, and it took her a couple of tries to speak. "Ah... Um. Get dressed. We need to get the... the jewelry taken care of." She straightened up and turned away, opening the medicine cabinet and busying herself taking out alcohol, gauze, antibiotic ointment, packaged latex gloves, and a paper cup.
Brynna frowned, then grabbed a clean towel and draped it around Anne's shoulders, covering her chest.
Jaw tense, Brynna thought for a moment, then shook her head. "If and when I display you," she said carefully, "It will be intentional and thought out, not casual, and to an appreciative audience, not an accidental one."
Brynna hesitated. "Maybe. But not under these circumstances. Nor am I comfortable with it, either way."
"Yes, ma'am," Anne said. "I don't understand why you don't think she would be appreciative, though."
Brynna stared at her for a moment, wondering if she really agreed, or if she was just going along. Or if... and it was a rather disturbing thought... Anne knew something she didn't. This was going to be hard. She'd have to stay constantly vigilant, if she wanted to have a chance of keeping any sort of limits. If she weren't careful, the girl would have her persuaded that the sky was orange and politicians were honest. She sighed and unlatched the door. "Come on, then."
Brynna led the way into the living room. Siobhan, sitting on the couch with homework in her lap, looked up and shot Anne a hot, intense, hate-filled glare. Brynna stopped. "Don't," she said angrily. "If you didn't gather enough to know that none of this is her fault, then trust me when I tell you it's the case. She's been through more than you can even imagine, and causing her more pain on top that is uncalled for."
Anne glanced up at Brynna, smiling, and crossed the room, standing in front of the couch. To Brynna's shock, she took Siobhan's face in both hands, kissing her gently but firmly. "It's okay," she said. "She just had some stupid, misplaced guilt to get over, since I'm younger than she is. Just remember that, and things'll be fine."
Brynna pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes against the tension. "I have never been tempted to drink in my life, but I'm coming damned close now. Look. Let's just get this taken care of as painlessly as possible, okay?"
Brynna sighed and spread a layer of clean gauze on the table, then set the cup on it and filled it with alcohol. "I don't know if this will actually work," she said, as she reached for the sack with the jewelry. "Ideally, these would have been autoclaved. And would have been screwed into the needle and fed directly through, so that the threads never touched raw flesh." She disassembled the barbells and dumped them in the cup. "This is 99%, and just opened, so it should sterilize them, but there's no way that putting them in isn't going to hurt. I'm sorry. Are you sure you don't want to just let the wounds grow up?"
"It's your choice. I won't force you. Sit down, then." Brynna lay out the rest of the things, and put on the gloves, the latex snapping against her wrist.
Brynna wet a piece of gauze with alcohol and motioned for Anne to move the towel aside. She pulled it all the way off, instead, and arched her back, pushing her tits forward for better access. Brynna didn't let her expression flicker, just started cleaning around the piercing with the alcohol soaked gauze, trying not to actually touch the broken skin.
Brynna sighed. "They'll probably heal with less chance of infection with good jewelry in than they would if you let them close up after piercing them that way, anyway, I guess. But they do have to be cleaned. I'm sorry, honey." Carefully, wincing, she dabbed at the area when the pin went into flesh, removing the crust of dried blood.
Tense to the point of shaking, Brynna continued to clean the right nipple and the pin... as it was about to be pushed back through the flesh, any dirt, dried blood, or bacteria on it would be pushed into the wound, so it had to be done. Once the crust of dried blood was gone, the bleeding started again, just a tiny seep. Brynna bit her lip. "Okay. I'm going to unfasten this now. I won't move it any more than necessary, but it'll probably be impossible to not move it at all."
Brynna reached for it, but her hands were shaking so badly that she drew them back and shook her head. "I'm sorry, honey. I don't want to hurt you. Can you think of something that'd make it easier for you? Maybe if you lay down?"
Anne shook her head. "No." Her voice was clipped. "It's just... It's a needle. Once it's out I'll be okay."
Siobhan stepped up behind Brynna. "Is there anything I can help with? Maybe hold her, um, breasts still while you do it, so that they don't get pulled?"
"Then scoot forward, she she can climb in behind you," Brynna said. "It's going to be okay, honey. It won't be like when you did it, I promise. It'll sting a little, but it won't be that bad."
Anne nodded tightly, sliding forward in the chair, and Siobhan slipped in beside her, reaching around with both hands to carefully hold the right breast.
Brynna bit her lip even harder, hating the surge of lust that seeing the little breast firmly held... as if offered up for sacrifice... sent through her. Forcing her mind away from that path, she fished the first bar from the cup, drying it with a piece of clean gauze and sitting it on another to dry completely. Only then did she take a deep breath, hold it, and reach for the pin, trying desperately not to move the bit that was through the nipple.
The pin snapped open, but Brynna managed to hold the shaft still, jarring it only minimally and drawing only a small whimper from the girl. Brynna sighed in relief, then used a bit of gauze to dab a generous amount of antibiotic ointment onto the protruding shaft of the pin.
Brynna slathered the bar with the ointment. "This will hurt. I'm sorry. When they're all healed up, the threads aren't really that noticable, they say, but right now... I'm sorry."
Brynna licked her lips. "You're doing fine," she said, soothingly, as she carefully tugged a bit at the nipple, exposing the little hole. "Just fine. That's a good girl. You can handle this..." She fed the bar into the hole, carefully, holding it open as much as possible to minimize contact with the rough threads.
Anne sucked in a breath, but it was Siobhan who whimpered, eyes wide, as she looked over Anne's shoulder.
"Easy now... good girl... almost over, you can do it... that's my good little girl," Brynna crooned, not even thinking about what she was saying as she carefully fed the bar through the hole, having to stop and back up more than once to line it up... there were good reasons for the prohibition against changing jewelry in new piercings. "There we go!" With relief, she held the bar firmly by the fixed bead, and wiped the blood off the exposed threads that she'd just pushed through before screwing on the other bead. "All done."
Catching the odd look Siobhan was giving her over Anne's shoulder, Brynna flushed, and shook her head slightly, with a 'not now' expression. Siobhan nodded, but it was clear she intended to ask Brynna questiones later.
Brynna sat back, looking at the bar critically. "That's better. And it looks straight, and deep enough. It should heal up fine if you take good care of it."
"If you're sure, then." Brynna repeated the cleaning process, hurrying it as much as possible without causing more pain, then had Siobhan hold the breast again while she removed the pin.
Anne bit her lip, trembling slightly, eyes tightly closed as the pin slid out of her flesh. As soon as it was free, she slumped back against Siobhan, leaning her head back against the brunette's shoulder.
Brynna ran the underside of her wrist along the side of Anne's face, holding her hands angled to keep the glove away and clean. "That's the worst of it, sweetheart. Almost done now. Good girl, you can do it."
Brynna picked up the bar and applied the ointment to it. She positioned it carefully, pulling the nipple out with her other hand and spreading the hole as best she could. The girl's tiny sound of pain stabbed at her, sharp guilt but... more, as well, as she thought about her sitting there, crying, shoving the pins through her own nipple as she shook with fear. She licked her lips. "Look at me. Let me see your eyes. Let me see that you want this."
Brynna moaned softly, then slid the bar through, keeping her eyes locked with Anne's. "Good girl," she said, and didn't look away until she had to look down to clean it and put the bead on the end.
"There we go..." Brynna cleaned up around the piercings with a square of gauze, wiping up any blood or stray ointment. "That's better now, isn't it? Don't those feel nicer? I want you to look up the proper aftercare tonight, okay? There's a site called BME. They'll have what you need to know, and I want you to do as they say religiously. You're not to allow them to become infected."
Brynna flushed guiltily as she realized what that it must sound, to Sinead, as if she'd just given in. Hastily, she stood up. "I'll get you a clean shirt."
Siobhan couldn't really move until Anne let her up, and she still had her hand on Anne's breast. Brynna noticed, but didn't want to embarass either of them, so she just said, as she turned, "If you want to go look in the mirror, go ahead," and hoped that would solve it.
Anne hopped up and ran happily into the bathroom, leaving Siobhan sitting there staring at Brynna with a confused expression on her face.
Brynna sighed. "Later. I promise. I don't really understand myself, but... I'm just trying not to do anything that'll hurt her more, which mean I can't just... abandon her." With that, she turned and headed for her room.
She searched through her closet til she found an old black tshirt, soft and faded from use. It had a dragon on the front, and had been her favorite until she outgrew it years ago. She thought it would fit Anne pretty well, and it was clean, which the fresh piercings needed. She carried it with her to the bathroom, not surprised to find the girl still happily looking at the barbells in the mirror. It was a cute sight, though, watching her stretch and preen, and she smiled despite her grim, worried mood.
Brynna smiled uncomfortably. "They're lovely. Here though..." She handed her the shirt. "And you should probably wear a bra until the heal, a cotton one if possible, or a cotton undershirt. If you can't, then you should tape some gauze over them lightly to keep them clean and from being twisted during the day."
Brynna couldn't quite hide the flash of guilt. It was quite obvious that Anne thought she'd agreed to... well, everything. So how could she tell her she hadn't? When she was so damned happy about it, how could she say, "I'm not really going to touch you, you know," and ruin that, especially after the pain she'd just witnessed? She couldn't. She wasn't that cold. So, instead, she just smiled weakly. "Good. I'd glad."
That was a damned good question. What the hell was she going to do with her? She decided to stall. "Get dressed and come to my room, and we'll talk."
Brynna was mostly relieved when the girl pulled the shirt on, and decided to pretend the part of her that was disappointed didn't exist. Anne followed her into the bedroom. The furnishings consisted of a bed, dresser, desk and chair. A couple of posters... Sigourney Weaver and Wynona Roberts in "Alien Resurrection", and Lucy Lawless in her "Xena" outfit, and a "Lord of The Rings" scene with Elijah Woods' eyes the most prominent feature... were pretty much the only decoration, and a set of hand weights... 20 pounders... lay on the desk by scattered books and papers. A pile of paperback books lay by the bed, and Brynna hastily kicked most of them under the bed, out of sight. She stood there for a moment, indecisive. If she sat on the bed, Anne would likely sit beside her, and touching, with the state she was in at the moment, would be bad. If she sat in the chair, though, Anne would still take the bed, and would be there alone, and she would look so little and tempting. She might even lay down and be horribly cute at her.
"When we first... talked... you acted as if you actually had some idea of how this happened. Of what was going on," Brynna said. "Do you?"
Anne blinked. "I did?" Her eyes glazed over for a moment, as if replaying the conversation. "Oh. No, I don't understand how it happened. I realized you didn't know it'd happened. I mean, it's obvious that it's got to be some kind of telepathic or magical thing, but beyond that I don't know. I have a hard time believing in the idea of magic, but on the other hand last week I'd have reluctantly said that telepathy didn't exist either, so really, I have no idea. I just know it happened, and that it obviously took you by surprise."
"Has anything like this happened before?" Brynna asked. "Like, maybe have you picked up the thoughts or emotions of someone around you?"
Brynna frowned. "I need to know how it happened, so that it won't happen again. Something like that... needs to be under control."
"Yeah," Anne said. "But I don't know. I don't know if it was me, or you, or both of us, or something else entirely. And I'm not even sure how to figure it out."
"I'm not either, except..." She sighed, looking even less happy. "Except I know that there's no way to figure it out unless I actually know all the details. Like what you were doing when it happened, what the first thing that happened was, how... how things felt to you. How much of what I... thought... you experienced." She looked away. "I'm sorry. I know that would be hard for you, but... I need to know. I need to know if it's something in me, or something outside, or what, and just how dangerous it is."
"I was asleep in my bed," Anne said. "Um. I think the first thing I remember was... I was standing in front of you, topless, and you were touching me. Um. And... well, how do I know if I didn't experience something?"
"You can't," Brynna said softly, her voice full of guilt. "The only way to know is either for you to tell me what happened, or listen to me tell you and compare the two."
"Either way, it makes you relive it." Brynna sighed, noting how uncomfortable and awkward the girl looked standing, and decided to give in on that, at least. She sat down at the foot of the bed. "And it would be over faster, if you did miss things, if you told it. Come on and sit down."
Brynna closed her eyes. "I don't want you to have to. I'm not sure it's healthy to make you. It might just be selfish and cruel. But... I need to know about this, to find some way to stop it because... because I'm not sure I can stop myself from... doing it again, when I'm tired and weak and not thinking."
Brynna sighed. "Honey... what I'm likely to slip and... and 'endulge' in is... not fun stuff. I told you I'd never actually do the things that, um, you felt, but they're pretty typical of my fantasies."
"You mean, during the... dream, or whatever? I thought it was real," Anne said. "But now I know better."
"How about during the second time? While it was happening, were you certain it wasn't really happening that time? Or did it still feel real?"
"Well... I was, um, remembering it a lot last night. So I might not have noticed, you know?" Anne said.
"I don't know. I was asleep the first time. And... I don't see the problem. Wouldn't it be better for you if it did feel real?"
"What difference does that make!?" Brynna stared at her, shocked. "The important thing is that it might feel completely real to you. You might not be able to realize that you're not actually being hurt. The fear and the pain and all of the rest of the emotions would be just as bad as if it really was happening."
"Um... yeah. Isn't that why you'd like it? I mean, I thought... well, I assumed that's why you'd like things like that. But I guess I don't understand," Anne said.
"It doesn't matter whether I'd like it or not," Brynna said. "Forget about whether I'd like it! Don't even worry about what I like. What matters is that I promised you I wouldn't hurt you again. Not that I wouldn't hurt you unless I like it."
"Mistress, I didn't ask for that promise. I don't want that promise. I told you, I want you to use me, to do all those things to me for real..." Anne licked her lips. "You don't have to. It's your choice. But if you want to know what I want, that's it."
Brynna groaned, leaning back against the wall and putting her arm over her eyes. "You really don't see any problem with that, do you? You'd think it was perfectly okay if I used you to carry out any filthy, violent fantasy I might have. How the hell can you be so damned smart and still not see that that would be so very wrong?"
"If I can't know that that consent is real and not a product of trauma, then it would be wrong for me to accept it, period," Brynna said. "It doesn't matter how much I would enjoy it, or how tempting it is. That wouldn't excuse anything. Maybe if things had worked the other way around, and I'd got into your mind somehow and could see inside and be certain that everything was all right, it'd be okay. But that's not how it happened."
"I know. None of this is." Brynna looked down at her, eyes clouded with pain. "But it would be even less fair for me just assume you weren't hurt, weren't influenced, and take advantage of you when it might hurt you more. Especially if it turns out that all you needed was... was some time, some support to help you heal."
"Honey... I know you want it. I just... don't know if that's a healthy want, or if it's something you can't help even if it's going to hurt you." Brenna reached out, tentatively stroking her hair. "It's not that I don't want you," she whispered. "I shouldn't. God knows I shouldn't. But if I could be sure... but I don't know how I could."
Brynna clenched her fist in the covers to resist pulling the girl into her arms. She couldn't make her other hand stop stroking the soft hair, though... watching the trembling felt like a knife in the gut. "Once you've had a chance to recover, you could look for someone to explore this with, safely," she said, unaware that she'd wrapped Anne's hair around her hand as she did so.
Brynna gave a strangled moan. "Oh god... I just wish... if I could just know... I'd risk me, risk jail, but it'd take a true monster to risk you, don't you see?"
"But it wouldn't destroy me," Anne said. "And it wouldn't be just so you could get off. It would be for me, too."
"If I could be sure, then it would be for you. But I can't be sure, so the risk is there," Brynna said. "There's no way to get rid of it."
"God, I just don't know." With a guilty start, Brynna realized how she was holding Anne's hair and hastily unwrapped it from her hand.
Brynna moaned and closed her eyes. "If I just knew how it happened. Why. I mean if it was some kind of... of miracle, or fate, or... or if it only happened because of compatibility then that might actually make it okay, but I don't know, and I don't have a clue how to find out."
"I don't either," Anne said. "So we have to... to work with what we have. And... I don't think that one time could make me want it this bad if it wasn't something there. I really don't."
Brynna was quiet for a long while before, finally, she said, "Time. I'm sorry, but without anything else to go on, I'll just have to have the time to decide. To watch you and see if feeling this way is hurting you. To see if it changes. To get to know you, so I can tell what's 'normal' for you."
"I... don't know," Brynna said, wondering how long she could hold out, wondering if she were fooling herself by thinking she could hold out at all. But if she couldn't hold out, then... wouldn't that point to a dangerous obsession that should not be endulged? Best to set a goal, and by god stick to it, just so she'd know. "When... when's your birthday?"
"Pretty soon," Anne admitted. "Are you saying I have to wait until I'm thirteen? That doesn't make any sense. It's not like it's a magical date or something..."
"No, it's not, but it might be something to aim at. Because I'm not sure..." She flushed and shook her head. "I'm not sure how long it'll take, but I think it's important to have a... a goal. If I'm not any more sure, one way or the other, by the goal, then something needs to change. My first instinct was to say 'A year or two', but..."
Anne bit her lip. "So... so on my thirteenth birthday, I can come back, and you'll... you'll be okay with it?" she asked. "You promise?"
"Then the day after?" She was grinning now. "Or was it today? Sweetheart, I might not have a 200 point IQ, but I'm not an idiot."
"Then I don't think we can use that as our goal, however convenient a day it might have been." It made her feel better, though. Maybe that one extra year shouldn't matter, but... it did. A lot. She wondered briefly if she should mention that, but decided it would be cruel to give her any false hope. Then she was flooded with guilt, remembering what had happened in the bathroom... the very epitomy of false hope. How the hell was she supposed to keep her hands... and her mind... off of a walking, breathing wet dream who was practically begging for it? She'd figure it out later. Drugs, maybe. Or handcuffs. No, bad image, scratch the handcuff thing! "So let's say... six months. Spring Break."
"Unless something happens in the meantime to change my mind," Brynna added. "Like, we find out what actually happened. C'mon, it's not that bad... better than a year or two, isn't it?"
A troll, Brynna decided. Or possibly an orge. She definitely felt like one or the other. "Sweetheart... what did you expect?" she asked gently. "That's less time than anyone really ethical would give it. It's about as much as I can stand, with you close to hand, and... you know it could go the other way. Feeling like this might be harming you. Or the feelings might fade, then you'll be glad we waited."
"Oh hell." Brynna reached for Anne, pulling her into her arms and rocking her. "Aw honey... shhhh... I'm not saying 'no'. I should. I should turn myself in and insist you get counselling. But I'm not. I'm just not strong enough to leave you alone."
Brynna shuddered, pulling the girl all the way into her lap and cradling her against her chest. "Please, baby... please don't cry." She kissed her forehead, wiping tears from one cheek with her thumb. "Is it really that long?"
Brynna kissed each damp little eyelid. "I'm not telling you you have to stay away. And there's no reason you can't still... have fun... by yourself like you always have. I'm just not going to do anything that might hurt you until I have a better chance of being able to tell if it's going to hurt you."
"And I'm going to be here for you," Brynna said quietly. "So unless you want me just for sex, how is that a problem?"
"Look at me," Brynna said, firmly, and waited for her to do so. "Maybe I could have sex with you, right here, right now. Do every filthy, nasty, perverted thing I've ever dreamed of to you tender, willing little body. Maybe you'd be okay. Maybe you're 100% correct and it's the best thing that could happen to you. But maybe you're wrong. And maybe it'd hurt you, and hurt you bad. If that happened, then we'd never have sex again. Ever. Because I would be gone. For good. Because I'm not the kind of person who could live with doing that to anyone, much less someone special, who I could really, really care about."
Anne looked up at her, eyes red, cheeks wet with tears. "We could do that. Because I'm sure it won't hurt me!"
Brynna trembled. "Oh sweetheart. If I could be sure... but you would say the exact same thing if you were wrong." She took a deep breath and shook her head. "No. I won't risk it. I won't risk you. No matter how badly you want me to."
"But... but why would you have hurt me like that? That wasn't what you were trying to do," Anne said. "So why would it have happened?"
"Yes," Brynna said bluntly. "That was exactly what I was trying to do. Because I didn't know it was you. But the purpose of the fantasy was to take you... my fantasy image of you... and hurt you and condition you until your. will. was. mine. Until you could not tell me no, until you could not live without me."
Brynna stared at her, totally stunned, and wondered if there was any Jim Beam left in the bottle her mother kept hid under her bed. Now seemed like a good time to take up drinking. Perhaps all of this would make sense if she were drunk. "Ah, run that one past me again, please?"
"I thought... I thought you liked the resistance. And I was feeling really guilty that I wouldn't be able to fight you." Her voice dropped. "I'd... I'd thought that maybe that's why you were mad at me, earlier, when I thought you were."
"Say wh—" Brynna shook her head, blinked, and tried again. "I... you... ah..." She closed her eyes, licked her lips, and tried a few deep breaths to see if that would help. Nope, everything was still as nonsensical as it started out. "We weren't talking about what I liked," she said weakly. "We were discussing that I intended, and how it was intended to affect you."
Anne nodded. "But for it to have had that effect, I'd have to have known that that's what you wanted. If I'd been conditioned to do what you want, and I thought you wanted me to fight you and try to get away... I wouldn't be here, would I?"
Brynna looked a bit bemused by that logic for a moment, then slowly shook her head. "No. Nice try. But what I conditioned you to do... may have conditioned you to do, anyway... is as I say, and as I want. Not as you thought I wanted. To obey my commands, not interpret my orders."
Anne shook her head. "No. It wouldn't work that way. If you'd conditioned me, then you'd have made me want to please you, whatever it took. Maybe I wouldn't violate a direct order, but if I didn't have one then I'd be doing what I thought pleased you."
"No, pet. It was a fantasy. Representative of my kinks, but not exactly what I would do, even if I were unethical enough to do it, to train a long-term slave," Brynna said. "It had only the hot spots, the things that turned me on the most, not more practical matters." She looked Anne in the eye and spoke slowly, clearly, bluntly, "That fantasy was more about breaking in a new little slut, hard and fast, than it was about anything long term. Later, she could learn the specifics of what I wanted. But for right then, what I wanted to focus on was making her so desperate for me, so hungry and shameless, that she would do anything to get what I gave her, and that she couldn't imagine being anything but my slut."
"But I didn't know that," Anne said. "I thought you wanted someone to fight. And the conditioning would have been to be what I thought you wanted."
"No, pet. The conditioning was for what I wanted. What you knew or didn't know was irrelevant. You are behaving exactly as the result that that scenario was designed... with much research and refinement... to produce," Brynna said, her voice sad and gentle.
Anne shook her head. "You don't understand. What I know is relevant. For that kind of conditioning, the sudden, breaking kind, the subject has to know what the goal is. If you don't want the subject to know what the goal is, then you have to use a way more subtle, slow approach. You can't do it in just an hour or two."
"Sweetheart, I told you the goal." A dark auburn curl had escaped Brynna's tight braid, and she reached up irritably to tuck it behind her ear before cupping Anne's chin to look into her eyes. "From the beginning. I told you you were going to be my little slut. You were going to need me. You were going to learn to crave everything I did to you." She ran her thumb, feather-light, across Anne's lips. "And you do, don't you, my pet?"
Anne nodded. "I do. But I thought part of the goal was that I was supposed to fight you anyway. I can't see why one part would have taken and the other not."
Brynna bent and kissed her forehead, a slight, gentle brush of her lips, and smiled. "No, sweetheart. There's every evidence that everything I intended 'took'. Even the bits you didn't consciously realize. I want you to think. Do you remember why I pierced your pretty little nipples?"
Anne nodded. "So that I'd know I was yours. But that's my point. If all that took, then why didn't the bit that I thought was the important part take?"
Brynna put a finger over Anne's lips. "Shhh. Because only your conscious mind thought it was important. Your subconscious remembered the rest. I pierced your nipples because you told me you couldn't do what I was telling you to. I want you to think back. What did I say to you, when I made you come the first time? Do you remember?"
"'You can, and you wil. You don't have a choice. I want you to, and you're going to. You are mine. Admit it, and stop fighting it, and I'll give you what you want.'" Anne said.
Brynna smiled proudly at her. "Good girl! 'Admit it, and stop fighting it.' I said it again, too, after you came. Remember?"
Anne nodded. "You're right. But... I was still convinced that you wanted to be able to... to break me every time. And if just what you said was enough to condition me, then I think that something I was utterly convinced of would have done so as well1"
"Maybe," Brynna admitted. "Or maybe your subconscious grabbed onto the command as the most important thing. Didn't you say yourself that you can't fight me now?"
"I can't," Anne said softly. "But if it was strong enough to make me feel guilty, it would have taken."
"Or maybe the two cancelled out," Brynna said. "Or maybe, because our minds were somehow intertwined, more than the verbal communication took place, or maybe even more was implanted that just the experience you were conscious of, and the few words that I actually said to you. If we knew what happened, how, and why, then maybe we could rule some of that out and know for sure. But we don't, so we can't."
"Maybe. Or maybe the reason we connected is that we are compatible. That I did have these desires, and just didn't know about them. Honestly... honestly, I don't think you created them. I think they were there. I think that's why regular fantasies didn't work, but this did." She hesitated. "I... if it was just conditioning, then I don't think I'd have been able to get off looking at other people, you know, pissing on each other."
"Maybe it's not all conditioning," Brynna said. "You're absolutely right. You might have already been this kinky. It might have really been what you needed. Honey, I'm a total pervert. I've been this way... well, for as long as I can remember." She blushed. "I don't ever remember a time when I didn't masturbate. And the first time I came, it was after watching a movie where a bunch of bikers tied up and raped a girl, and turned her into their whore. It wasn't anything explicit, either, it was just the idea, and a few blurry scenes with bad light that showed her getting tied up, then the camera blacked out and you could hear her screaming. I think I was about seven. So I'm not going to say you weren't kinky and waiting to discover it, but I can't say for sure that you were, either, and even if you were, that doesn't mean you couldn't be unwillingly conditioned past your natural limits."
"Um. Look. Right now... if I had the choice? I'd pick this. Seriously. Because... look. Even... even with thinking you were mad at me, this has been a better week than I've had in a while. So... are you sure it would have been wrong, even if it was conditioning?" Anne asked. "I'm more, you know, assertive than I was. More confident. Is that a bad thing?"
Brynna says, "I... don't know," Brynna admitted reluctantly, then her expression firmed. "But that's one of the reasons I need the time. Because things can seem really wonderful, short-term, but turn out to be really horribly awful for you down the road, but once you're in them, you're in no position to see the damage being done. Take drinking for instance... it can make a person feel really good. Ease pain, relax them, boost their confidence. The immediate effects can be really desirable and positive-seeming. But that doesn't make it healthy. Especially long term and uncontrolled.""
Anne makes a face. "I don't want to drink. Sorry. But I know what you mean. I just... look. Tell me what you're afraid of. Tell me what you think could happen, if you say yes."
"Honey, this has even more potential for harm than drinking does. It's more serious, and more extreme," Brynna said. "It could damage you psychologically so badly that you could never function normally, never have a normal relationship, never be happy unless you were being abused." Her mouth firmed into a grim line. "And if this was programmed rather than consensual, than it would be abuse, even if you got it from someone who cared about you. Though, if they knew, and still did it, they couldn't possibly care about you."
"How?" Anne asked, with a thoughtful look on her face. "Or, I mean, whether it's programmed or not, I want this. So how could it screw me up if it's programmed more than if it wasn't? The effects are still the same, only the underlying cause is different."
"Because you might not really want it. You might not be able to say anything else, or even think anything else," Brynna said, "But inside, there could be a part of you screaming, or dying, a wonderful, beautiful part that would never get a chance to grow, and thrive, and fly. I could give you what you thought you wanted, or all that you could admit that you wanted, and that might just be the one thing that kills the real you. Do you really think I could live with that?"
"No," Anne said quietly. "But... that's not how I feel. I feel... free. Alive. And that doesn't happen when you break someone. When you break someone, they don't become more than they were. They become less. They aren't happier. They aren't more fullfilled. There's less of them there, not more. At least according to all the books."
Brynna tightened her arms around her possessively, and whispered, "Oh sweetheart..." Tears prickled at her eyes. "I... Anne, sweet little Anna-doll, don't you know that I don't want to fight you on this? Do you have any idea how tempting it is to just give in and do all the things you want me to do... all the things I want to do? God, baby... if I could be sure, I don't think I'd give a good goddamn about the law or what anyone might think, it would be worth it. If that feeling lasts for you, if it's real, if I can be sure of that, and that I'm not hurting you, it will be worth it. But until I know, I can't do it. Not because I don't want you, but because I want you too much!"
Anne looked at her. "Do I look broken?" she asked. "Seriously. Do you really think that I could have become more confident, more alive, more fulfilled, if you'd broken me? Does that fit anything you've read? Because it doesn't fit anything I've read."
"No," Brynna said quietly. "It doesn't. And if this had happened the... ah... 'normal' way... um, I'm not sure how, maybe I'd been drugged, or drunk, or something and you were there and I did it... then that would be enough. I could have my little guilt-trip, then praise my lucky stars that things had accidentally turned out not just all right but wish-upon-a-star perfect. But none of this has been normal. It didn't happen in... in the physical world. It happened in your head, down deep enough that it felt real. And we don't know how. Or why. Or what might have gone along with it."
"Okay," Anne said. "So. Worst case, assume that whatever happened changed me. If it changed me so much that I'm happier, more fulfilled, more alive, why would I ever want to go back?"
"Suppose you're not? Suppose you just think you are?" Brynna asked. "Or, suppose it will prevent you from seeing, doing, or becoming something that would have been even better?"
"Like what?" Anne asked. "We're talking about hypotheticals here. Suppose if this hadn't happened I'd have been hit by a bus on the way home today."
"I couldn't control that. But I can take steps to try not to do more harm with this, or at least find out if I'm doing harm," Brynna said, then sighed again. "What it comes down to is that I don't know enough yet. I don't know enough about what happened, or about who you are and were to make an ethical decision, so until I do, I have to choose the one that I know is less potentially dangerous. It won't damage you to not get sex. You might not like it. It's not what you want. But it's not going to cause permanent psychological scars. Whereas, if what you're telling me is wrong, doing the opposite could, very easily."
"You don't know that," Anne said. "Maybe now that this has happened, I need sex, and if I don't get it I'll go slowly insane." She smiled. "Okay, that's not likely, but it's as likely as anything else. You don't actually know that you changed me at all."
"No, I don't. But I don't know that I didn't. And the only ethical thing to do is err on the side of caution," Brynna said.
"Not for sure, no, I don't. You're right. So it's a decision that has to be made. My decision to make." Brynna smiled down at her, her eyes soft. "Isn't it, my pet?" she asked softly, her gaze locked with Anne's.
Brynna pulled her closer, gathering her up and burying her face against the silky black hair. "God, you're so sweet. So lovely and perfect. Everything I ever wanted, when I had no idea I even wanted it."
"I never thought I wanted a girl, even. I thought I was just... picky." Brynna smiled against her hair. "Stupid. It's pretty obvious, now."
Brynna caressed her back. "That's never been in doubt. But I certainly don't want a guy. Not as more than... a prop, I guess, anyway. Not to keep. Not to love."
Brynna cupped Anne's cheek, frowning in confusion. "Honey, when you came to me, what sort of relationship did you think you were asking for?"
"You didn't?" Brynna stared down at her, horrified. "So you just... expected to be used, period, without me ever caring about you? Without ever getting anything but the sex?" She looked sick. "Oh my god. You really did think I was a monster."
"No!" Anne said. "I just... I hadn't thought about how that part of it would work. I was..." She blushed. "Um. Well. Look. I really, really, really liked it, okay?"
"Enough to risk a life without a chance to be loved?" Brynna was stiff, angry sounding. "To be used by someone you didn't expect to care about you?"
Brynna took a deep breath, letting it out shakily. "Don't you think you should have?" she asked, slowly, carefully guarding her tone. "Doesn't it bother you, or strike you as a little bit off, that you didn't?"
"Not really," Anne said. "I mean, I feel kind of stupid, but... well, look. If you were starving, and someone dumped you in an ice cream store, it'd take you a little while to think about the fact that there's a restaurant next door, wouldn't it?"
"Sex is not food," Brynna said firmly. "Sex is not a necessity. And it should never be that important. Not for that long."
"Neither is ice cream," Anne said. "But it would take a little while to come down from 'oh my god I can eat all the ice cream I want!' and realize that maybe that's not such a good idea."
"Then were you starving for love, sweetheart?" Brynna asked softly. "So starving for it, that you'd take anything that filled the need to be touched, be wanted, even if it hurt?"
Brynna thought about the past couple of weeks... multiplied by years... and sighed. "All right. I'm going to let you win that point," she said. "But the fact that you didn't even think about it, and that you seemed so shocked that it would even be a possibility..." She shook her head. "I don't like that. At all. That's not only frightening, it's... insulting."
A look of panic crossed Brynna's face, along with guilt. She opened her mouth and started to speak, then her expression changed suddenly, into an odd, confused look, and she closed it again, and sat in puzzled silence for an uncomfortably long time.
Brynna pulled her close and kissed her forehead, nuzzling against her hair, but her eyes were still distant, puzzled. "Just a minute, sweetheart."
After a long while, she drew back and looked down at Anne with a look of pure wonder. "I... don't know how I feel right now," she said softly. "It... might just be love. I... I don't know how to tell. That wasn't what I meant, at the time. I just meant that, if we were together, I would come to love you. I mean, that would be part of the goal, I thought, in something permanent, right? But I didn't realize you'd misunderstood, that you thought I meant now, and I was trying to figure out how to explain without hurting your feelings and... and now I don't know. I've never felt like this. This good. This... full. I never expected to feel like this, to be this... this soft. This weak. To ever let another person really be... that important. I mean, I already had two responsibilities. I was going to make sure they were taken care of before I even thought about taking up another, but... this is different. And I don't understand it at all."
Brynna shook her head. "No. It's not. I think... I think that I was kidding myself, thinking I didn't want anyone. And to make it easier to pretend, I intentionally never looked anywhere I might could have found someone I wanted. But this time, I didn't have a chance to avoid it." She smiled down at Anne. "I kind of walked right into it. What were you doing changing in there, anyway?"
Anne flushed. "Oh. There's a shortcut home, but it's kind of muddy sometimes, and I didn't want to get my dress dirty."
"Well... that's what started everything," Brynna said. "I mean, I'd seen girls before. In the locker room, and online, and such. But it was just... different. I suppose because you weren't supposed to be there, like that, or you weren't expecting to be seen. Something about it triggered my tastes. And of course, you're not exactly built like most of them, so there was a 'forbidden' feeling to it from the very beginning. I just couldn't stop thinking of you, and that sweet little blush, and I was so damned frustrated this week..."
Brynna blushed. "Um. I started taking birth control pills a couple weeks ago," she admitted reluctantly, then hurried to add, "It wasn't my idea! It's just to make my mother feel better. But the stupid things messed me up, and it got to where I couldn't... ah, manage to have a climax. I was used to... um." The blush brightened. "Two or three a night. So four days was... bad."
"And then... there you were," Brynna said. "So sweet, and innocent." She looked away. "The perfect little victim."
Brynna's lips curled up, and her eyes twinkled knowingly. "Trying to tempt me, are you? Brazen little thing..."
"Hmm. I suppose that would depend on what your goal was. I don't intend to deny myself the pleasure of looking at you." She flushed. "I'll admit, I'm afraid I probably should, but... surely it can't hurt, just to look, just to let you know how lovely you are, as long as I'm not touching you... that way."
Anne looked at Brynna directly. "Look. If I'm not gay, I'm at least bi. So even if you won't do anything kinky with me, can we at least have sex?"
Brynna shook her head slowly. "If we'd met normally... yeah. But with the potential risks... not yet. Maybe sooner. I..." She closed her eyes, her face creased with pain. "Please don't ask. Because I want to. Oh fuck I want to! But I need to know it's safe for me to touch you, first. Now, even more than I thought before." She hesitated, biting her lip. "B-but, if... if it's too... too much to ask... that you wait, I mean... then you c-can... could maybe... I mean... I'm pretty sure it w-would be safe... with... someone... else," she finally managed to force out. "As l-long as... I'm... not... involved."
Anne didn't look away. "If it is conditioning, what's more likely to reinforce it? Vanilla sex with you, or masturbating repeatedly while fantasizing about you holding me down and torturing me?"
Brynna groaned miserably. "Sweetheart... part of the problem is that I don't think I could have 'vanilla' sex with you. I'm only human. If you had any idea the kinds of things that are running through my head, you'd know that there's no way I wouldn't slip up."
"Okay, then," Anne said, "What's more likely to reinforce it? Semi-vanilla sex with the occasional slip, or repeated orgasms caused by going over what happened?"
Brynna's jaw clenched spasmodically. "If I touch you, I might as well just give in. Because it won't be an occassional slip. It won't be... I won't be able to stop. Even if I know I should. I know my limitations, and it's like... a drug, or something. If you'd been upset, if you'd been frightened, if it had sickened you, disgusted you, then I could have vanilla sex with you, but knowing you want it... I'm only human. No one could resist."
"The real thing is more likely to reinforce it than fantasies," Brynna said. "And that is what we're talking about here."
Brynna laughed. "And we could try to bring peace to the Middle East, too, with just about as much success. Honey, I don't want 'mild'. And I do know what kind of... ah... hold my desire can have over me. What I'm saying to you is that no matter what you agree to, and what I feel is right, if I had your hot little body in my hands, what I would do to you could, in no way, be described as 'mild'. Understand?"
"So I wouldn't be mildly reinforcing your possible programming with something different, I'd be reinforcing it with exactly the sort of thing that potentially caused it, except this time, it'd be real. Got it?"
"Maybe once or twice." Brynna looked at her with hot eyes. "But not more than that. Not with these... images... running through my head. Not when I can remember and know now that you... that you felt it."
"Then I guess I'll just have to... um." Anne paused. "You know, fantasies are always, well, perfect."
"So. What's more likely to reinforce a fixation? Something perfect, with no problems, or the reality, with all the little annoying things that go along with it?"
Brynna started to answer, then closed her mouth. She sat there, eyes unfocused, still and silent for a minute. Then two. Three. Five. Finally, after nearly ten minutes, Brynna whispered, "Congratulations. I no longer have any clue what the right thing to do is."
"Good," Anne said matter-of-factly. "Because neither do I. I just think your automatic assumption that you shouldn't touch me was as bad as assuming you should."
Brynna smiled... a slow, lazy, dangerous sort of smile, as she looked down at her. Her voice practically purred as she said, "I have a plan, though."
"Mmhmm. It's a really good plan, I think." Her eyes gleamed behind dark lashes. Predatory. Satisfied.
Still smiling, Brynna bent down and kissed her, lightly, licking at her lips teasingly. "Do you trust me?"
Brynna held it for a long while, then pulled away, breath shuddering in her throat. "Good girl," she whispered. "Now tell me who else you trust? Who was your most trusted before? And why?"
Anne hesitated, visibly confused, and finally answered. "Um. My Dad, I guess. He's always been there when I needed him."
Brynna nuzzled against the side of her neck, kissing the sensitive spot beneath her ear. "Good. Then here's what we're going to do." She took Anne's earlobe in her mouth for a second, sucking gently, making the girl moan. "Are you listening?"
"That's my good little girl..." Brynna nipped gently at the side of her neck, running her teeth along the sensitive flesh, enjoying her squirming. "You're going to go home tonight. And you're going to tell him everything. You can have my number so he can call me to confirm it. And you're going to ask him what we should do. Because I don't have the experience, or the perspective to make this decision. It needs to be made by someone who cares about you, but has nothing to gain from it. And then, whatever decision he makes, we abide by it. Because if you trust him, that's good enough for me."
Brynna froze, her lips pressed against the pulsepoint at Anne's throat. "Just like that?" She sounded strangled.
Brynna pulled back to stare down at her. "How the hell were you raised, anyway?" The shock was plain.
Brynna found that she couldn't be mad. She smiled, and shook her head. "Good. Though you didn't tell me than your family wasn't either. However... the decision still stands. If you can convince someone who loves you, who you trust, that it's okay for me to do filthy, dirty, violent things to you based upon a shared psychic experience, and he calls me and tells me so himself, I won't fight it anymore. But you have to tell him everything. Including the things that I'm afraid of. And that you weren't willing when it started. And that you became willing through torture, not seduction. And if he says, 'Hell no, that bitch is crazy, I'm calling the cops and locking you in the basement until it's safe!' then you abide by that, too. Deal?"
"You can tell him that you disagree. You can tell him why. You can ask him to talk to me first, if you want," Brynna said. "But he gets the final decision. Because you and I... neither of us can make that. We're too close to it. If he doesn't think he can make it alone..." She looked thoughtful for a moment, then nodded... "Then he can talk to Sinead, and the two of them can make it together. That gives us your most trusted and my most trusted, too."
"Then like I said... I won't fight it anymore." Brynna gazed down into her eyes with a sad smile. "Do you really think I want to fight it, sweetheart?"