Home > Miscellaneous > Oops > Chapter 5
Brynna didn't want to send Anne home. She realized that rather quickly, and was surprised at the intensity of the feeling. She didn't want her to go home. She wanted to keep her there, with her. Badly. Maybe it was because she knew, no matter what Anne thought, that once the girl talked to her father, she'd never see her again. At best, he'd take her out of school and forbid her to go near Brynna. At worst, he'd call the police and have her arrested. Either way, what the girl was hoping for was not going to happen, and Brynna knew that. And she knew it was better that way, too, but... she wished things were different, and the idea of never touching her again was startlingly painful. If it were done, though, t'were best done quickly, she finally decided. The longer she put it off, the more it would hurt. So she kissed her one last time... she couldn't deny either of them that much... and sent her home to her parents well before dinnertime.
Siobhan came in some time later to find her sprawled on the bed, one leg hanging off, staring at the ceiling and wondering when she'd get the phone call threatening her life, or if there'd be no phone call, just the arrival of the police.
Brynna didn't answer, didn't really seem to hear her, just continued staring blankly at the ceiling.
"I noticed." Siobhan stood beside the bed awkwardly. "Look... Maybe it's none of my business, but I can't... I have to know what's going on. Why was Anne calling you Mistress? And why did she have those... those pins..." She shuddered. "What's going on?"
Brynna sighed. "I can tell you what I know. And I guess I owe that to you. Especially since, if... anything happens... you'll be on your own. C'mon, sit down. This is going to be hard enough without you standing there uncomfortable."
"I don't know where to start, really," Brynna admitted, sighing again. She reached up and started unbraiding her hair, incidentally giving her both a reason to look away from Siobhan and a screen of dark auburn curls to hide her face as she did so. "And... it's not pretty."
"What happened? You were talking like something happened Monday night, but you were here. I know that for a fact," Siobhan said.
"I was here. And I didn't know anything had happened. Well, anything bad, anyway. Not until today," Brynna said. "I guess... I guess I should start by saying that I'm... not normal. I have these... um... fantasies. That are, well, um. Extreme. Including things like... like the pins, and... what you saw." The words came slowly, reluctantly, as if Brynna had to force each one, and she kept her eyes locked on the bed. "I've always had them. But... I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't... force anyone. I wouldn't torture someone. I... I wouldn't even let myself have them with real people in. I wasn't in them, usually, and never anyone real. It just seemed... wrong. But... but Monday... I did. Both. Me... and her."
"I don't know." Brynna shook her head. "I wish I did. But I don't understand it, either. Just... somehow... she felt it. She lived it, as it was happening." She closed her eyes and shuddered. "God, it must have been so horrible! She didn't know, when it was happening, that it wasn't real. And she came out of it... changed. Wanting it. Wanting me. It... it would hurt her if I just... just rejected her. But it might hurt her more if I don't, no matter what she thinks she feels."
"What... what did you do to her?" Siobhan asked, then frowned. "No. Wait. That's not right. What did you, um, fantasize about doing to her?"
"It was right, actually. She felt it. It happened to her. The marks weren't permanent, but the experience, the memory is," Brynna said. "And... and I'd rather not talk about it. Just... it was bad. Very."
"That's the point," Brynna said. "Humiliating. Disgusting. Something no one would ever do for anyone... done for me. Sacrifice. Devotion. Obedience. She just wanted to prove she was mine, that she'd do anything. Don't you dare talk down to her because of it! You don't understand what she went through. It would break anyone."
"So now imagine what it'd take to make you want to do that!" Brynna snapped. "That's what she went through! She was no different from anyone else, to start."
"You know what? You're not willing to listen, so we're done now," Brynna said. "But if you treat her badly because of this once I'm not around to stop you, you'll be being as big of an ass as those guys who say women who get raped have to have been asking for it."
"She was raped and tortured and quite possibly brainwashed," Brynna said bluntly. "Even if the last doesn't apply, she was definitely traumatically affected. Whether or not she was kinky to start with is irrelevant, and quite frankly, not any of your business. You've got a right to criticize my tastes because they're harmful to other people, and because you're family, but not hers, anymore than I'd let someone else sneer and deride yours."
Siobhan blinked, and her jaw dropped, as she finally understood what Brynna was saying. "You want her to?"
"No. Yes. I mean..." Brynna sighed. "It's part of the fantasies, but not something I would ever want someone to do really do non-consensually."
"So are you going to have her do it again?" Siobhan asked bluntly. "Do I need to start bleaching the tub before I take a bath?"
Siobhan looked at her like she'd just told her the sky was green. "Right. She kissed you like she was trying to suck your tonsils out before she left, and you don't think you'll see her again."
"She went home to tell her father everything," Brynna said softly. "Just as I ordered her to do. She's expecting to be able to persuade him to tell me it's okay for us to do what she wants, but that's not going to happen. At best, he'll just keep her away from me. At worst... the police will be here, once she's finished telling him the story."
"I care. I care... a lot," Brynna said. "I don't know how it happened, but... it did. And you said it yourself... the kind of things that I... that I get off on are sick. Disgusting. I should be locked up. Maybe they can, I dunno, fix me some how. Therapy or something."
Siobhan shook her head. "No. I don't care. I think... I think it's kind of gross, what you want her to do...." She stopped. "Okay. Really gross. But... You're my sister. I don't want anything bad to happen to you."
"It's not anything bad," Brynna said. "Well... not worse than I deserve, anyway. It's not anything I can't live through. I just... I don't want to leave you by yourself. But maybe it's better that I'm away from you, given... the way I am."
"What?" Brynna shook her head. "Whatever it was, she didn't mean any harm. She wouldn't hurt a soul. She couldn't. Come, help me, here. We need to come up with a story for Mom that she can handle."
Brynna closed her eyes tightly, obviously fighting for composure. "I... I don't know. God. It's going to hurt her so bad... But... there's got to be something. Maybe... Maybe that I'm covering for someone? Because I felt guilty about something?"
Siobhan shook her head. "Won't work. There's nobody you could be covering for but me, and I'm sorry, but I am not going to play that role."
"I wouldn't want you to." Brynna sighed. "I... just don't know. I guess we should focus on... on how to make it easier for her, then."
"How? I mean, god, Brynna! She's going to come home and find out her daughter was arrested for... for... hell, I'm not even sure what they'd charge you with!"
"Whatever it is when you threaten someone, I guess. Maybe child endangerment," Brynna said. "Plus being dangerously insane, of course. I don't know if that's actually a crime, but it'll come out. Just tell her that... that I snapped, started saying things that were totally crazy, and someone heard me. She'll believe that. I warned her that I was too damned tired to function. She'll think I was actually innocent, for a while, and that way she can kinda get used to it gradually."
Siobhan frowned, and said reluctantly, "Well... I guess so. I can't think of anything better, anyway."
Brynna smiled weakly. "Hey, this could be a good thing. If you do the 'looking helpless' thing, then maybe she'll decide with me gone that you need her, and she'll snap out of this... thing of hers. That'd be cool, wouldn't it hon?"
Brynna bit her lip. "C'mon... it's for the best. You're going to be okay, Sis. You're strong, and smart. There'll be more money with one less person. You can have the big room and procrastinate on your homework all you want. You'll..." Her voice broke. "You'll be fine, I know you will."
Brynna sniffed, turning away to swipe at her eyes. "It'll be okay. Mom'll have to work less, cause she can't leave you alone, and so you'll see her more. The two of you will still be together. And you'll have more time for your friends and stuff. It'll be great, once you get used to it. Hey, I remember being an only child, and it was cool, p-promise."
Brynna hugged her tight, tears dripping down her cheeks. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know how it happened. I'd give anything to change it, but there's nothing I can do. Please, honey... I've already destroyed one sweet little girl this week, I can't stand to hurt you, too."
"Shhh... it's going to be okay. Maybe... maybe I won't have to. Maybe he'll just threaten me, make sure I know to keep away from her while he gets her some help," Brynna said. "Maybe he'll want to keep it quiet to protect her reputation. And even if... it happens. It... it won't be forever. And... and they might even let you visit me once you're... you're older, and out of my... my victim's age-group."
Siobhan let go of her sister, pulling back. "I just... I can't believe you're some kind of monster. I won't! You can't be!"
Siobhan looked at her, staring at her, for several seconds. "Do you mean that?" she asked. "I mean, really, really mean it?"
Brynna bit her lip. "I... don't know," she admitted. "A lot of what I thought about, I thought I'd eventually do with a willing partner, and it was stuff that... well, it would hurt. Pretty... extreme things. So I guess, I did mean to hurt someone, someday, but... not anyone who didn't want it! And just hurt, not harm. Never harm."
"So... never anyone who didn't want it?" Siobhan shook her head. "Look, I may not be a genius like Anne, but even I can tell you aren't a monster, then. Weird, yeah. I mean... yuck. But not a monster."
"No. Whether I meant to or not is irrelevant," Brynna said firmly. "She was still hurt. By me. And she wouldn't have been if I weren't so... so perverted. And..." Her voice dropped to a shamed whisper. "And I couldn't tell her 'no' by myself. That's why I did it this way. I couldn't think with her asking me to... to do things, and... and crying, and just being so... willing. I couldn't keep my hands off of her forever. I knew that. I'd crack, eventually. I'd have to see if it was just as good when it was real. I'd hurt her."
"I think I was right. I think she had to be... be... perverted, like you, to start with. I mean, maybe she didn't know it or something, but... I really don't think you could have, like, changed her like that. And I don't think you're a monster. I think, yeah, maybe you did something to hurt her. Okay. So fix it. But you didn't mean to, and you didn't know you could, and there was no way for you to know you could, so stop beating yourself up over it, okay?"
"Maybe. That's... kinda what she said, honestly," Brynna said. "But... how can I know that that's true, instead of being just what I want to believe? How do I know that I'm not, subconsciously, just trying to rearrange facts so that I'm not a bad guy, and so that I can get what I want? Because trust me... what I did to her could cause this. Even if she had no idea it even existed before. Even if she was destined to be a normally-inclined, straight, vanilla woman. I... I went in big for... for 'conditioning' fantasies. Intentionally programming someone to be what I wanted, using psychological and physical torture as well as pleasure to accomplish it. I knew what I was doing, in that fantasy. It wasn't... amateur."
"Yes way. It's entirely possible. It's not certain, but neither is the alternative," Brynna said. "I just don't know. I can't be sure."
"You don't get it. I'd do it now," Brynna said. "Or... not now, but eventually, and I don't know how long I could hold out. I'd take her, and do things, even though I don't know whether she's really willing!"
"But you care about whether she's willing or not. And you worry about not being able to resist her begging." Siobhan shook her head. "That's not being a monster, that's being human. I mean, damn! She's hot, and she's begging you, and you think it makes you a bad person that you might not be able to tell her no?"
Brynna flushed. "I don't know. I know the right thing to do would be to turn her down. At least, now I do." Brynna sighed. "When I'm talking to her, I'm not so sure. She's... good. She can take me by surprise and argue me in circles 'til I'm not sure what's right anymore. She had me more than halfway convinced that the best thing I could do for her would be to shove her down on her knees and—" She broke off, blushing bright red. "Anyway. She's very... persuasive. But I do know what's right. And I'm afraid I couldn't do it. I know I couldn't do it indefinitely. So for safety's sake, it's best I'm... removed from the picture, I think."
"And you care about it. You don't want to, you just think she'd convince you to. That just means you're human."
"It's important," Siobhan said. "Because, you know, maybe she's right. And if she is, then I know she won't want you being stupid and beating yourself up for something that's not your fault."
"Maybe she is. But I can't know that. If I could, then everything would be... okay. Weird, but okay."
Siobhan laughed. "Weird. That's putting it a little mildly, don't you think? I mean... she calls you Mistress."
Brynna frowned at her. "That's not that weird, you know. You should do some reading before you get too judgmental. You seem to have picked up some prejudice somewhere."
"What? Why on earth would you say that? She's never done anything to you! What have you got against her?"
"Why?" Brynna shook her head. "Look, hon, all the money and brains is the world wouldn't be worth being stuck in the hospital getting tortured for years and not knowing if you were going to live or die."
"Not that part," Siobhan whispered. "The part where... the part where you look at her, and touch her, and kiss her."
Brynna's brow wrinkled in confusion. "Vhana, I hurt her. Weren't you listening? It wasn't good attention she got. It was pain, and humiliation, and... and rape. There's nothing to be jealous of."
Siobhan looked up, staring at her in disbelief. "Oh, yeah, right. You kiss me like that all the time, right?"
Brynna didn't look any less confused. "You're still... thinking of that?" she asked. "Vhana... you know what my... my tastes are like, now. And you think they're sick. You should be feeling relieved, not jealous."
"I don't want the... the weird stuff," Siobhan said. "Just, you know. Kissing and making out and... and stuff."
"Well, I didn't know about that," Siobhan said. "But... yeah. I still want it. Just not the weird stuff."
Brynna bit her lip. "I... I guess we need to talk about that, then. I guess... I guess I should have talked to you about it before. It was cowardly not to. I'm sorry."
"When she told me you felt guilty because of the age difference. She wasn't talking about her, she was talking about me."
"She was talking about how you felt guilty about what we did. Well, don't. Dammit, I could have stopped you. I didn't want to stop you. Look, I'd already started figuring out that I liked girls, okay?" Siobhan asked. "So I was interested. And it was... nice. Really nice. And I wanted to do it again, and you acted like we'd done something wrong!"
"It's not just the age difference," Brynna said. "I'm not 'a girl', I'm your sister. I had a responsibility to... to maintain a, um, 'proper' relationship, and I blew it."
"Well, fuck them!" Siobhan said. "They don't know us. They've never met us. You've always been more than just my sister to me, and I don't see why you can't be this, too!"
"Because I've had to be more than your sister," Brynna said, with a sigh. "It put me in... too much authority. Gave me too much of the power. Made it so that it couldn't be just... innocent playing around, because it was too dangerous."
"Why? Because you're a pervert? Well, okay, I know about that now. And believe me, I can tell you no, and if you ever try to shove a needle through my nipple I'll knock you into next week. So that's not going to happen," Siobhan said. "So why can't we have the other stuff?"
"Just... because. Because of... of authority issues and pressure. Because you can't leave your primary care-giver. Because it's illegal. Because it's unhealthy. You should be pursuing relationships with... people outside your family and inside your own age group," Brynna said.
Siobhan shook her head. "No, you don't. If you did, you wouldn't worry about it so much. You just think you should, and feel guilty because you don't."
"No. I do care," Brynna said quietly. "I care very much about doing something that could hurt you, could mess you up. After... um... I slipped, I did a lot of reading. A lot. And it... just wasn't a good idea. I just... had to hope that I hadn't done any lasting damage. The fact that you're still obsessing over it this long afterwards, though, isn't a good sign."
Siobhan stood up, looking her sister in the eye. "The problem is that you have to take care of me?" she asked.
"No. Well, sort of. That's the one thing that caused the most problems," Brynna said. "That's what made it wrong, instead of just... a pretty normal thing that most siblings experiment with."
"I don't know if I would have been comfortable with it, but I wouldn't have really felt guilty about it, either. Not more than briefly," Brynna admitted.
"Okay, then," Siobhan said. "That's gone. I'll take care of myself from now on, so that you don't have to worry about that."
"Oh Vhana..." Brynna's throat tightened. "Honey, you can't. Or, even if you can, you shouldn't have to. That's why... why I'm so scared that they're going to lock me away. I'm scared of what might happen to you, whether she'll be able to pull it together and take care of you, or if you'll have to tear yourself up trying to—" She clamped her mouth shut, going pale and looking away.
Brynna sighed. "Trying to take care of her. But... that's not going to happen. She just needs a reason, and that'll do it. I know it will."
"I don't care," Siobhan said. "It's worth it to me. If taking care of myself is what's needed, then... then I'll do it."
"It's not worth it to me!" Brynna said. "I want you to have a chance to grow up nice, and slow, and normal, okay?"
Siobhan rolled her eyes. "Duh. This is normal. Half the girls at school are sleeping with each other."
"Duh. Remember that sleep-over last month? Angie and Tina were doing it for, like, half the night." She smirked. "And I'm fairly sure that a couple of other girls did too after everyone else was asleep."
"Seriously. We, like, dared them to do it where we could see it, but it wasn't like they hadn't done it before," Siobhan said.
Brynna stared at her, shocked, but recovered quickly. "Well. Maybe so. But they're not doing it with family. And certainly not with their primary caretaker. And if they are, they bloody well shouldn't be!"
"Look, usually that's someone who's, like, old," Siobhan said. "Not your sister who's only a couple of years older than you."
"No. You wouldn't tell anyone," Brynna said. "And the reason you wouldn't tell anyone is because you know it's wrong. It's not something 'normal'. It's not something to brag about. It's something to hide."
"No, the reason I wouldn't tell anyone is because they'd freak out. Because the only people who talk about it are the ones who're being forced, the ones who're being raped, the ones who don't want it."
Brynna thought about it for a while, then said, "Maybe. But... there's still all the research that says it does hurt. Even when it's not forced."
"How can they know? Do you really think they're getting to talk to the ones who are happy?" Siobhan asked.
Brynna bit her lip. "I... don't know. But I don't know that they're wrong, either. And some risks just flat out aren't worth it."
"No, it's not. Because like it or not, I am the one taking care of you," Brynna said. "That makes it my choice."
Siobhan looked at Brynna for a moment, then smiled. "It doesn't have to be. I could take it away from you."
Siobhan raised an eyebrow. "Really? You don't think I could break you down and make you give in if I tried? If you don't think you could keep yourself from doing all those things with Anne, do you really think you could stop yourself from having sex with me if I really tried?" She waited a moment, then shook her head. "I'm not going to. But you need to stop kidding yourself that it's only your decision. It's not."
"It's my responsibility, then," Brynna said. "Even if you were to somehow drug me, it'd still be my responsibility, because I never should have allowed the fixation to occur, or to build to the point where you'd do something that desperate."
"Oh, please," Siobhan said. "Get over yourself. You're hot. You're my sister. I love you. Of course I want to do it with you. You didn't 'allow' this to happen."
Brynna smiled. "You can have your opinion. I have mine. And, at this point, even if I were to go along with you, it'd still be irrelevant."
Siobhan nodded. "I can hear you when you're doing it at night. Not real well, but enough to know what you're doing. I used to lay there and play with myself and wonder what you looked like when you were doing it. And what you'd do if I came in and joined you."
Brynna blushed bright red. "I... don't make any noise," she said weakly. "I've always been careful..."
"You don't make much. I didn't realize what you were doing until one time I had to go to the bathroom and walked by your door, and the light from the window was enough that I could see your hand moving."
Still hideously embarrassed, Brynna shook her head, and tried to change the subject. "It... doesn't matter. Like I said, even if I agreed with you, it'd still be irrelevant."
"Including professional investigators. Who would find out, and then we're back to me being in jail. See?"
"I don't know. If I were rich, and it were my daughter... It's the least I would do," Brynna said. "But that's not the only reason, just one of them."
"Huh," Siobhan said. "But... look. You're making excuses. You're trying to find some reason we can't be together. Stop it. Just tell me whether or not you want me. The truth."
Brynna sighed. "You're right. But... it's hard. I wish... well, a lot of things, really." She looked away. "Even if everything were perfectly okay, it still wouldn't work. Because... a year ago, I didn't know what I wanted. Now... I do. And... and it's not vanilla. The temptation is just... too strong. I figured that out when she tried to convince me that we could just have sex, even if I did insist on waiting for the kinky stuff. I suddenly knew that I couldn't."
Siobhan looked at her skeptically. "Of course not. Look, hell, I think it's totally weird, but if she was telling me she wanted that? I don't think I could tell her no. So of course you can't with her. But how do you know you can't with me? You've never tried! Hell, you've never really had sex, have you? So how can you know what you want?"
"Because I never wanted just straight sex!" Brynna tucked the wayward curl back behind her ear. "I was vaguely curious for a long time, and sometimes I got overly turned on, but it just never seemed... worth it. I wanted to try it, with someone I could trust, and that's why... why it happened. And I won't lie and tell you I didn't like it. But it didn't... fix anything. It wasn't... enough. So I thought, "Okay, I'm just not bi enough for it to work with a girl, I'll wait until there's a guy that interests me and I can trust and I'll try again." But that wasn't right. Because I don't want a guy. I actively don't want a guy. So it wasn't a dick that was missing. It was... my perversions."
Siobhan rolled her eyes. "Hello! I'm not talking about having some great, all consuming love affair here! I'm not telling you not to find someone to do those kinky things with! I just don't want to do them." She hesitated, then said, reluctantly. "Well. Not the gross stuff, anyway. But, like helping you with her? That was kind of cool. So, you know, I guess if you wanted help tying someone up or something... I could do that. I just don't want to be the one doing the weird stuff."
"If you just want sex for the sake of sex, you can get it with anyone, Vhana. Having it with your sister would be an unnecessary complication."
Siobhan shook her head. "I didn't say that. I want more than just sex. But I know we can't ever, you know. Be a couple, out in public. And... well, now I know you need things I can't give you. Okay, that's fine. Find another Anne. I'm okay with that."
"Maybe I'm not okay with that!" Brynna said. "I am, at least technically, still a virgin. Have I given you some reason to think I'm a slut?"
"Shit!" Ninety percent of the day spent in utter confusion. Brynna decided it was a new record. "Vhana!" she yelled, and ran after her.
Siobhan slammed the door to her room behind her. "Go away!" she yelled. "You just think I'm a slut, anyway!"
Brynna snorted. "Yeah, right, sure I'm gonna do that," she muttered, as she opened the door. "You know damned well I don't think you're a slut," she said.
Brynna closed the door behind her and leaned on it. "No. I didn't. But I did make some assumptions that I think are pretty standard. Like, most people, including any potential partners of mine, consider relationships to be a one-on-one, exclusive matter. As most people consider that pretty damned important, it very much bothered me to think that you thought I'd simply dismiss that importance for my own convenience."
Siobhan looked at her, hands clenched into tight fists at her sides, face red. "You thought I was saying you were a slut. Which means you think anyone who'd do that is a slut. Which means you think I'M a slut!"
"If I didn't care about my partner's feelings in the matter, I would be a slut," Brynna said. "And that's what I thought you were implying. Assuming. If you had something different in mind, I don't have the frame of reference to just get it automatically."
"So you don't mind... what about the other girl?" Brynna asked. "Do her feelings just not matter since she'd be submissive? Do you have that little respect for us perverts?"
Siobhan looked confused. "But... I thought you wanted a slave? So they wouldn't get to say, would they? I mean, you just tell them what to do, right?"
Brynna stared at her for a moment. "You... you need to do some research. I... That..." She took a deep breath. "I know you don't understand this, and you didn't mean anything by it, but what you just suggested is... horribly insulting. Both to me, and any submissives you might meet. Just because they choose to be owned doesn't make them not people. And just because I'd be owning them wouldn't mean... should not mean that I don't give a damn about their feelings! That... that really would be monstrous."
"No. Not to me. Not to anyone healthy," Brynna said. "What kind of person would totally give themselves to someone who didn't care about them? What kind of monster would accept them?"
Brynna sighed. "Like I said, you need to do some research. I'm not even sure I can explain. But it's not about being cruel, or vicious, or 'better' than someone. It's about... control. And trust. And surrender. And responsibility. It's something important to me, and if you think that I could take total responsibility for someone, accept their surrender of everything, and then not give a damn about their feelings... then why the hell would you want me to touch you?"
"That's what I thought they wanted," Siobhan says. "Now... now I'm just confused. I don't get it. But, I mean... I never thought people actually did this kind of thing!"
Brynna sighed again. "Look it up. I know you know how. Read about it. You can find out more for yourself than I can possibly explain to you."
Guiltily, Brynna said, "I know. That's one of the reasons I think that... that she was more hurt than she thinks she was."
Siobhan sighed. "I don't know. I mean, she told me what I needed to know to figure out how to deal with you. That's more than just not minding, really."
"She's... messed up," Brynna said. "Maybe. I don't know. And she doesn't understand this, um, lifestyle, I guess, anymore than you do. She wasn't into it, even if she was naturally inclined that way, which we don't know. So she didn't know what was expected. It's pretty common for new submissives to mistakenly think they have to stop being people to get a master or mistress to take them."
"Smart doesn't mean that you automatically know things that you've never even researched," Brynna said. "And it doesn't make you not emotionally vulnerable. But even if she doesn't mind, and wasn't just saying that because she was so badly hurt, or didn't know any better, that's not how most people are going to be. Most submissives aren't limitless."
"Then it's not relevant," Brynna said. "Because we don't know. I do know that she..." Her jaw clenched. "She's not going to be mine. And I wouldn't, if I were looking, look for a submissive who thought that her feelings should be totally unimportant to me."
"Would you rather do without completely until you find a... um... submissive?" Siobhan asked. "I mean, really?"
Brynna wrapper her arms around her chest tightly and pressed back against the door. "Right now... I... don't think I want anything," she admitted quietly.
"I'm not doing so hot right now," Brynna whispered, her throat tightening. "I'm not dealing with all of this very well. If I let myself even really think about it, I'm going to fall apart."
"We're going to spend the night together. Maybe we'll have sex, maybe we'll just make out, maybe we won't do anything like that. But you aren't going to worry about it. You aren't going to think about it. You're just going to relax and let go for a while, okay?" Siobhan said. "Let me take care of you for once."
Brynna bit her lip, looking guilty. "I... can't. Not until I know for sure that... well, she thought she'd be coming back. I know, logically, that she's not going to, but until I know, doing anything with anyone else, making any sort of commitment, no matter how small, would seem like... I was betraying her. After hurting her that badly, I can't do that."
Siobhan looked at her. "Hello? She told me how to get you. She's not asking you to be exclusive with her."
"So? It'd still be totally cold to be enjoying myself while she's probably going through hell," Brynna said. "It'd be the epitome of crude to be... lining up a partial replacement before she's officially gone."
Siobhan sighed. "Okay. Fine. I'm not asking for a commitment, then. One night. Maybe your last night outside of jail. It might be my only chance."
"Don't you think it sounds kinda scummy, Vhana? Honestly?" Brynna asked. "I mean, if you were in her place, what would you think?"
"And... if they did come to arrest me, and broke down the door, and found me in bed with my little sister..." Brynna shook her head. "It'd look kinda bad."
Perversely, that made Brynna feel guilty about turning her town. The insane asylum was looking like a better prospect every moment. She stared at her, wondering what to do, what she could do to fix things, or at least smooth out the sharp edges of torn feelings. "Vhana..."
Brynna licked her lips, wondering if she'd ever be able to just make a decision and stick to it completely again. "Vhana, come here," she said quietly.
Brynna reached out and took her hand, tugging her close and wrapping strong arms around her. "I've always looked after you, haven't I?" she whispered. "Since we were little. Made sure you had everything you needed?"
Brynna stroked her short black hair. "It hurts me when I fail you, did you know that? I can't stand to let you down."
"And now... Now I might have to leave you," Brynna said. "And I'm scared to death of what's going to happen if I do. I don't want your last memory of me to be all anger and pain and jealousy."
Brynna looked down into eyes that were shaped exactly like hers, fringed with as dark of lashes, but a pure, clear sky blue. She shook her head, slowly. "No. It's not. It's not fair, is it?" she asked. "Here we've been through so much together, and I've spent all this time taking care of you, and you've always known you were the most important person in my life, then along comes this little tramp who doesn't look particularly hurt to you and ruins everything, even the last night we might have together." She was watching Siobhan's face closely as she said it. "Have I got that pretty close to right?"
Brynna cupped her cheek and turned her face back. "It's not her fault, Vhana," she said, softly. "But it's not yours, either, and it looks like it's both of you suffering for it. I'm sorry, baby. You just wanted me to care as much for your suffering as I did hers, didn't you?"
"I don't think she'd begrudge you that. I really don't," Brynna said. "No matter how much she was hurting. But it kinda seemed like I would, didn't it?" She ran her thumb gently along Siobhan's cheekbone.
"Yeah. But I was thinking about that... It's not exactly an emergency situation. She's safe from me at home. I'm not going anywhere," Brynna said. "And, I'm still a minor, so I'm not even sure it's the regular police that'd be dealing with me. They couldn't put me in jail, anyway. It'd be juvenile hall. So... he'd probably wait til morning... I know she'd try to delay him as long as possible, too... and even if he didn't, the police probably would. And I don't think I could promise to do anything in particular, either, so there might not even be anything incriminating for them to see. It's a small house. We're broke. Not much money for heat. Scared and lonely in the house alone, too. It'd be natural for us to crawl in bed together. We're sisters. So... overall, the risk doesn't really seem all that big, does it? And while sex wouldn't be worth it to me... taking care of you, making sure, if I never see you again that you really understand how important you are to me, is."
Siobhan looked at Brynna. "I don't... I don't want you doing anything out of guilt. That's not what I want."
Brynna brushes her lips across Siobhan's, quickly, gently. "It's not guilt. It's love. I want to make sure you feel loved. I don't want to cheat you out of that because of guilt."