Home > Miscellaneous > Oops > Chapter 6
The evening was an odd mixture of tension and comfortable relaxation; Siobhan fixed supper, ran Brynna a bath, and basically did everything she could to take the pressure off Brynna; it helped, but the problem— both problems— were still there, in the background, and as bedtime got closer, Siobhan grew quieter.
Brynna tried to relax. She really tried. But, despite what she'd said, she kept wondering if, at any minute, the police would come. Or, at the very least, she expected the phone would ring. So relaxing, truly relaxing, wasn't likely. She tried not to show it, though. She didn't want to ruin this possibly last chance. So she smiled, and teased, and hugged, and cuddled, and, every once in awhile, kissed, too, throughout the long, slightly awkward evening.
Brynna stirred up a small fire in the little fireplace. It was only a touch chilly, but she liked fire, and knew Siobhan did, so what the hell? She replaced the grate and went back to the couch, plopping down and pulling her sister into the curve of her arm. "You okay, honey?"
"I pushed you," Siobhan said. "I mean, I didn't give you a chance to think about it, or anything, just... just made you feel guilty."
Brynna pulled her closer and kissed the top of her head. "No you didn't. You just trusted me with your feelings. How I reacted to those feelings is out of your hands."
Siobhan gave her a glance. "Please. You think I didn't know how I was making you feel?" She sighed. "I was just so... so, I don't know. Jealous. I'm sorry."
"I told you— I understand," Brynna said. "I really do. And I'm sorry I didn't realize how this was all making you feel. I should have. You know I never want you to be hurt."
"I know," Siobhan said. "But I don't want to hurt you, either." She sighed. "I think, maybe... maybe we shouldn't. Not tonight. I want to, but... I think I'd feel guilty."
"Do you really think I'd do something I didn't want to, just because I felt guilty?" Brynna smiled. "Especially if it's something you already knew I felt guilty about doing, logical or not?"
"Yeah," Siobhan said. "Maybe. If you thought it would make me feel worse if you didn't, and you didn't think you were going to be around for me to figure it out."
Brynna rubbed at her forehead. "Okay. Today is the day for twelve year old girls to give me migraines, I guess."
Siobhan considered for a moment. "Yeah. That's probably your best bet. So. Um..." Her voice trailed off awkwardly.
"I don't want to end this night with any bad feelings," Brynna said. "Not hurt, or jealousy, or rejection, or guilt. If I have to leave, I want to leave you with one happy, perfect night to remember. One night that'll remind you that you're loved."
Siobhan looked down. "I feel... stupid, I guess. I mean, I shoved this in your face and pretty much wouldn't take no for an answer and now..."
Brynna hugged her tightly. "Shhhh. It's okay. I just want you to be happy. To get what you need. Tell you what... why don't we change into nightshirts, fold this couch out, and pop a movie in so we have an excuse to cuddle up out here together, tonight? We don't have to do anything, but... I know I would rather not be alone. Does that sound nice? Spending the night being held and safe?"
Brynna frowns. "Okay. That means there's a little talk we need to have right now, just in case I'm not around when it becomes relevant. Vhana, when it comes to sex, with anyone, there is never any reason to feel guilty because you don't want to. Ever. There's no point where 'no' isn't acceptable. There's no point where you should feel bad about not wanting to go further. And anyone who tries to tell you there is doesn't deserve to be with you!"
Siobhan shook her head. "I know that, sis. I'm not going to let somebody guilt me into doing something I don't want. That doesn't mean I can't feel bad about leading you on."
"You didn't," Brynna insisted. "I didn't promise anything, remember? I didn't say, 'oh yeah, baby, we are so gettin' it on tonight!' I said that we would spend the night together, that I'd take care of you, be here for you, however you needed. And you did just what you said you were going to, too. You wanted to make things easier for me, and you have. And if you let me spend the night holding you instead of being alone and worrying, that's the best thing you could possibly do for me. I promise."
Brynna spent the night cuddled up to Siobhan, holding her in her arms, and slept much better than she'd expected; it seemed like no time had passed at all before she was awakened by the sound of a knock on the front door.
Brynna sat up, blinking blearily at the clock on the mantle. 8:03am. The knock came again, and she jumped out of bed hastily and pulled the covers back up around Siobhan, tucking her in carefully before smoothing her favorite sleep-shirt... the one with a picture of kittens playing in a nest of ribbons and bows that had been a Christmas present from Siobhan last year and was getting to be a touch too short... down over her thighs and heading for the door and looking through the peephole.
Standing on the doorstep was a balding man, medium height, wearing a suit. His hair (what was left of it) was black, and the face bore enough resemblance to Anne's that there was no doubt in her mind who he was.
Brynna swallowed hard. Well, at least it wasn't the police. She didn't want to wake Siobhan, so she opened the door and quickly stepped outside, closing it behind her. "My sister's asleep in the living room," she said in a rush, giving him a pleading look. "I don't want to wake her like this. The backyard's this way, please, and sort of private."
The man smiled. "Sure," he said, his manner open and friendly, a soft accent coloring his voice. "No problem."
Brynna hesitated for a moment, uncertain. "Um. Thanks." She led the way to the little, fenced back yard. It wasn't much, just a little square of grass, a small plastic picnic table her mother had bought when she was little, and an old porch swing. Brynna sat on the table, putting her feet on the little bench, leaving the padded swing for him. She took a deep breath, bracing herself, then nodded. "Okay. Go ahead."
He sat down on the bench, giving her a friendly smile. "I'm Paul. Anne's father. I guess you already figured that out."
"I figure you probably expected me to show up and yell and scream at you and tell you to stay away from Anne, right?"
He smiled again. "See, if she'd expected me to do that, you wouldn't have gotten her to agree without a lot of arguing. She's come up with a whole new meaning for the word 'stubborn'."
Brynna frowned. "I understand that. But I had reason to believe that her judgment at the time was... impaired."
He laughed. "Honey, if you manage to make an end run around her, I'll be damned impressed. It's been a while since I've managed it. Hell, since I've come close. She knew what you were doing, and she didn't think I'd react the way you expected."
"I know she didn't. I hoped she was wrong," Brynna said, looking a touch indignant. "Why wasn't she?"
"Well, as to that..." The man looked slightly uncomfortable. "She told me about it. All of it. I'm not sure I understand what happened, but then I don't guess you do either. We just have to deal with the results, and to be honest, I'm not particularly surprised she's interested in this sort of thing."
"I'm willing to turn myself in," Brynna said. "If there's nothing legally that can be done, I can still go to the mental hospital. That way not only will I be sure to stay away from her, she won't be able to get to me to talk me out of it. I'll... if you don't think she'll cooperate, I'll write down everything, so that her therapist knows what she's dealing with. I... don't know what else to do."
Brynna ran her hand through her tangled curls, closing her eyes briefly. "Look. Just tell me what you want me to do, okay? I've already said I'm willing to do whatever it is. Whatever it takes to make up for this, to help her. Just tell me."
"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to leave you worried. I'm not going to scream, or yell, or call the cops or anything. But it's not just as simple as telling you what I want, 'cause I don't know yet. I need to know a whole lot more about you before I can answer that." He shifted in his seat slightly. "I have to admit, I'm not real comfortable with this. There are some things a guy just doesn't want to know, like what his daughter's thinking about when... well. But I need to know, whether I want to, or not. So... what are you afraid you'd do to her?"
"I'm afraid I won't be able to tell her 'no' forever," Brynna said. "No, I know I wouldn't be able to. If I could be sure she was really willing, that it wouldn't hurt her, then I wouldn't even have the strength to try."
He nodded. "I understood that part of it. What I want to know what it is you're afraid you'd do. I know what she thinks you'd do, but I don't know if she knows it all."
"What? What difference does that make?" Brynna asked. "What's already been done is more than bad enough!"
Brynna slumped, bowing her head. She wrapped her arms around herself, cringing. "I would hurt her. I know I would. She'd talk me into thinking it was okay, that she meant it and that it wasn't bad for her. I'd keep using her, because I couldn't resist when she seemed so willing, and she'd get hurt worse and worse from it, because the more we were together, the more the conditioning would be reinforced, until it would reach a point where she couldn't recover. It's not right. I know it's not right. She's so young. So sweet, and vulnerable, and eager to please. I'm messed up... I should see that as something to protect, not take advantage of, and I do, except when she's talking to me."
"How could it not harm her? At her age, and with what she's been through? The damage has already been done. Doing anything else would make it permanent. I know that, when she's not twisting my brain into a pretzel," Brynna said.
"If her consent isn't real," Brynna said, "then everything that I would do, even the things that didn't hurt, would be doing harm. Everything. Even seeing me could harm her."
"I know that," Paul said patiently. "Maybe I asked the wrong question. Would you do things that would harm someone who was able to consent?"
Paul smiled again. "It's not as irrelevant as you think. Remember, I told you that I wasn't surprised she was interested."
"She's spent almost her whole life being tortured and restricted. That might make it unsurprising she'd seek it out in a relationship, but it also makes it unhealthy," Brynna said.
Paul laughed, surprising her. "I hadn't thought about it from that viewpoint. I see what you mean, but that's not what I'm talking about. How much did she tell you about me and her mother?"
Brynna looked confused. "Um. Nothing, really. Just that she trusted you. That's what seemed important at the time."
Paul nodded. "Good. I thought we'd managed to keep things private, but with Anne you never know." He sighed, leaning back. "Anne's mother had a rough time when she was a teenager. Kept getting involved with... well, losers. Guys who treated her like trash. Beat her up, slept around on her, that sort of thing. When we got married, I thought she'd managed to get over whatever it was that made her do that."
"It is," Paul said. "Stay with me just a minute, and you'll understand. Like I said, I thought she'd gotten over it. Then Anne got sick." He sighed. "Maybe it was partly my fault. I don't know. But... she basically had a break down. Started running around on me, going out to bars, getting drunk all the time. I finally had enough, and..." He looked down. "I'm not proud of it, okay? But I turned her over my knee and spanked the hell out of her. Told her I'd had it. She screamed and yelled the whole time... and then she damned near raped me." He rubbed his face with one hand. "You could say I was a little confused."
"We talked about it, afterward, and I finally figured part of it out. See, I'd always had what you might call a controlling personality. I controlled my business, my life, my wife... and then Anne got sick. And I ran smack dab into something I couldn't control." He sighed. "It's a good thing I had smart people working for me, because for a while there I wasn't controlling anything. Including Tina."
"And that's why she lost control. It took us a few months to figure everything out, but what it boils down to is... Tina needs to be controlled. She wants to be controlled. If she's not getting it, she'll look for someplace she can, and since she didn't know what she was looking for, well, she couldn't make smart choices." He gave her a look. "Starting to see what I'm getting at, here?
"Yes, but... Anne doesn't act that way. And I'm not sure it would matter, anyway. Because she's not a grown woman making bad choices. She's a girl who's too young to be making choices like that at all," Brynna said. "And I still don't see that it matters whether or not she might have been naturally inclined towards things like that. That doesn't change the way things happened, or make it any less damaging."
"Doesn't it?" Paul asked. "Look, let's get a few things straight here, okay? First off, you aren't a monster, and you aren't a rapist. You had no idea she'd pick up on your fantasy. You didn't do anything wrong. You're responsible, but not guilty, okay? Got that?"
"Good. Second, there's nothing wrong with the things you want, okay? Nothing. I know it's hard to believe, because it took me a long time to deal with it once Tina and I started figuring things out. I actually went and saw a shrink, okay? Turns out I'm just like Tina, but on the other end. Only my way of coping with it was a little more successful than hers."
Brynna clenched her jaw. "There's definitely something wrong with wanting it with a twelve year old girl!"
He gave Brynna an amused look. "At your age? What are you, fourteen? Fifteen? Look, it may seem like a huge difference to you, but it's not. Not really."
"You don't know me," she said. "You don't know how much of a difference it is to me. I'm fifteen, yes, but... I don't really feel fifteen. I... have things I have to do. I can't just goof around and act like the others. And I do understand things like responsibility, and ethics, and... and predatory behaviour."
Brynna gritted her teeth. "Taking advantage of youth, inexperience, and recent trauma to get what I want."
"Well, in order... She's young, but she's hardly a normal twelve-year old, and her mother and I know it. Honestly, we expected her to either start early, or very late, so this doesn't surprise us. She's inexperienced, true, but from our discussion you don't seem like you're trying to take advantage of that. And the trauma... well." He shook his head. "I'm sorry. I simply do not believe that you could have broken Anne that quickly, and yet left her more engaged and enthusiastic about life than she was last week. It's simply not possible."
Brynna looked away. "I... told her that I couldn't know whether she'd changed, or whether it was positive, because I didn't know her. That's one of the reasons I gave for sending her to you."
"Well, she's changed this week. But as far as I can tell, it was positive. Okay, the needle thing... that bothers me. But you didn't ask her to do it, so... I guess, from what I can see, it's neutral, at worst. And maybe good." He sighed. "She's my little girl, and I love her, but she had no self-confidence before this. Now she does."
She bit her lip. "But... is it real? Or is it just a temporary thing, like, um... the emotional equivalent of an adrenaline rush? Something that's going to leave her worse off when it wears out, I mean? And even if it is real, is it healthy to only get that sort of thing from being abused?"
Brynna stared at him, her eyes wide and confused, then asked plaintively, "How can you tell? I can't!"
"Well, so far you haven't said anything to indicate you want to. In fact, you seem to be going overboard not to." He sighed. "Don't get me wrong. I don't want you to think I'm happy about this. I'm not. Tell the truth, I'd rather she stayed a virgin til she was thirty. But I'm a realist. If my baby girl's gonna be having sex with someone, especially kinky sex, I want it to be someone I can trust. So far..." he shrugged. "So far you seem to be."
She rubbed her temples and muttered, "I can tell you're related to her. You were supposed to fix this mess."
"So what are you telling me to do?" Brynna asked. "I told her that I'd abide by whatever decision you made. I promised."
He sighed. "If I tell you that I don't think that seeing her would hurt her by itself, would you harm her if I let you see her?"
"I don't know. I hope not. But I can't promise she won't persuade me to touch her. When... when she started crying... I can't take much of that. I know I can't."
Paul blinked. "I'm sorry. I must not have been clear. I meant to include touching her. And kinky things."
"I... would have a hard time believing that. But... I don't know her that well. I couldn't be sure. That's why I did this. But..." Brynna sighed. "I just don't know what to do. If her feelings are real, and not harmful to her, then it would hurt her to reject her, too."
He nodded. "Exactly. So would you intentionally do anything to harm her? That's really the question."
"That's what I needed to know," he said. "Look. I can't stop her from wanting this, and I can't even stop her from getting it if she puts her mind to is. All I can do is do my best to make sure she's safe. I think she would be, with you. Who else can I say that about?"
He nodded. "For just about anybody, that'd be true. Most people she'd find to give it to her would be way too old. I'm honestly surprised you've figured things out this young."
She blushed. "I've... read a lot. Since I don't go out. But listen... is it even legal? I mean, she's twelve."
"Oh come on. We both know that that's just stupid," Brynna said. "They'd never prosecute her. But they would me. And... and since you'd be telling me to go ahead, you, too."
"They might not prosecute, but they could. I've read about it." He sighed. "The question is, do you care?"
Brynna bit her lip, then slowly shook her head and looked away. "Not... not really. I mean, I understand why the law is there. Completely. But that's for girls who can't protect themselves. They exist. But... this is different. On the other hand, doesn't everyone think 'this is different' about their situation?"
"Yeah," Paul said. "They do. But it's the reasons why that are important, and Anne...." He shook his head. "She's not a normal thirteen year old girl, you know? I mean, she drives the doctors crazy every time she goes in."
Brynna scrunched up as small as someone who was 5'11" and quite muscular could actually manage on the picnic table. "How... how sick is she?" she asked quietly.
"Now?" he asked. "She's not, really. Her immune system's not really up to snuff, but it's not that bad, either. She just gets sick a little easier. And the leukemia... well, we just hope it doesn't come back. It's the not sleeping that gets the doctors. It ought to have killed her by now, but as far as we can tell it hasn't really been a problem."
Brynna relaxed, relief plain on her face. "That's what she said. I just... got to thinking, that maybe, she wouldn't know if it was different. That maybe you would think it'd be cruel to tell her if things were worse. And if there wasn't much time, and I'd ruined part of what was left then sent her away and told her she couldn't have what she wanted... Well. I was feeling guilty enough to start with."
Paul shook his head. "She's okay. But don't fool yourself. She's living on borrowed time, and we never know what we're going to find when we take her in to the doctor. She could be just fine, and every time I hope and pray that that's what happens, or... she could not be. We never know."
Brynna sighed. "I meant that, you know. I don't know. I didn't think I wanted anything last week, you see. I don't want to hurt her with anything I do. But I don't want to hurt her with what I don't do, either. I'm willing to consider just about anything a reasonable restriction, though if it makes her start crying again, I can't swear I won't give in, unless it's something really dangerous."
"I can understand that. Well. Lessee. How about y'all can date, and y'all can... do other things, but you have to be safe about it, understand? No handcuffs. No taking her out and letting the football team have their way with her. Nothing that would harm her, is what I'm getting at. Beyond that, well, as long as she's happy, I guess we'll have to be okay with it."
"Okay. That's easy enough," Brynna said thoughtfully. "No other people is pretty obvious. No bondage, I'm not so sure about... that wouldn't harm her automatically, if it wasn't for too long or too awkward a position, if it was something I could get her out of fast, I'd think."
He nodded. "Bondage is okay, as long as you're safe about it." He sighed. "I'll be real honest with you. I don't want to tell you you can do this. I don't want my little girl having sex. But I know I can't stop her. So... just don't get her hurt, okay? I know you didn't make her do the piercing thing, but... no more of those. Too dangerous for her."
"If she'd asked me, I wouldn't have let her do it," Brynna said. "Especially not like that. With proper sterile procedure, proper one-use piercing needles, autoclaved jewelry, and all that, maybe. If I was sure she understood about proper aftercare and was able to do it. Even then, I probably wouldn't have, simply because that piercing takes longer to heal than almost any other. One of the easy ones that heals up in a couple of weeks might would be different. I don't know, though."
"No broken skin, then. Okay. Would it be better to take them out?" She looked over his shoulder, to where she could just barely see her mother's car pulling up. She wasn't due back from work until well after dark, so something was obviously wrong. "Excuse me a minute," she said, and hopped off the table and headed for the back door.
Her mother looked up, and Brynna could see tears running down her cheeks. "Brynna?" she sniffled. "Why are you up so early?"
"They fired me! After everything I've done, that— that bastard just fired me! Told me he didn't need me to tell him how to do his job and fired me! Oh, god, what am I going to do?" she sobbed.
Fuck. That's bad, Brynna thought, trying to suppress a surge of fear. "O-okay. Right. It's... going to be okay. Just... just come on in the house and crawl back in bed. Get some rest, then we'll figure out what to do. It'll be okay. C'mon... Siobhan's asleep on the hidabed, though, so we've gotta be quiet."
"O-okay," her mother said, sniffling. "I just... I try so hard... I just told him that the quality won't be any good his way... I do a good job! I'm a hard worker! He didn't have any call to treat me like that!"
Brynna's eyes narrowed angrily, and she reached in and squeezed her mother's hand. "No, he didn't. And maybe, legally, there's something we can do about that. I'll find out, okay? I promise. You just rest for now. You didn't need to be working for Mr. ShitForBrains, anyway. You can do better, and we'll find it."
Her mother nodded, still sniffling, but finally got out of the car, following her into the house. Halfway through the kitchen, she froze. "Who's that?"
Mentally cursing the fucking kitchen blinds that didn't close right, Brynna said, "It's okay. His daughter is a friend of mine, and he came over to ask me some stuff because he was worried about her."
"Her name in Anne. She's pretty new. Shy," Brynna said. "I was probably the only person she'd even mentioned to him, poor thing. He's okay, Mom. Don't worry about it. You don't need to deal with anything else right now. You go on and rest, and I'll get rid of him, okay?"
Her mother shook her head and opened the back door. "I'm Brynna's mother," she said, looking at Paul suspiciously. "I don't believe I know you."
Paul stood up and held out his hand. "I'm Paul. Brynna is friends with my daughter, and I wanted to find out what had happened this week, since Anne's been a lot happier."
Brynna's mother froze, looking at Paul, then slowly looked back her daughter. "All right," she said icily. "One of you had better tell me the truth. What's going on here? Brynna, you running around with him? Dammit, I didn't raise you like that!"
"Aaaaaargh! Damn it, Mom, would you quit assuming I'm going to screw any male that moves? I don't even like men, okay? Does that make you happier? Would you kindly now treat me as the person I am instead of like the person you're afraid I'm going to be? I knew you'd freak out, which is why I tried to just make things simple."
"He came to talk about his daughter," Brynna snapped. "The details are private, but in no way include even the remotest possibility of me having sex with any man, under any circumstances."
"Private? Not when he's coming to see my daughter at an ungodly hour of the morning, it's not! Now tell me what's going on before I decide to just call the cops and have his ass thrown in jail!" Her mother glared at her. "Now!"
Brynna bit the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood. "She's my girlfriend. He was worried about her. So, instead of freaking out, he came over to find out what kind of person I am. Thanks for showing that calm rationality runs in the family."
Her mother stared at her for a moment, then burst out laughing. "Your girlfriend? You mean to tell me you're gay? Why the hell didn't you tell me? I've been so damned worried about you..."
Brynna closed her eyes and seethed quietly for a moment. "Okay. That does it. I am done. Totally, and completely. Everyone can just solve their own damned problems for the rest of the day because I am going back to bed and I'm staying there until neither my head nor my teeth hurt anymore."
Her mother frowned. "Your teeth hurt? Oh, god, honey. I wish you'd told me earlier so I could have taken you to the dentist while we still had insurance... God, honey, I'm so sorry." Her eyes began to tear up. "That bastard Mahoney oughta have his balls cut off!"
"Aw shit. No, Mom, that's not what I meant, my teeth are fine, I promise," Brynna said hurriedly. "I just... it's been a long week, and I'm really, really tired, and... stressed. But it is going to be okay, and I'll find a way to take care of him, I promise, okay? One way or another. Everything'll be fine, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it, I just need a little... a little bit of time to think. That's all."
"Call me Angie," her mother said, looking at Paul before turning back to Brynna. "You're sure your teeth are okay? You aren't just saying that to keep me from feeling guilty, are you?"
"My teeth are fine. Everything is fine," Brynna said, and wrapped an arm around her mother's shoulders, intending to steer her towards the house. "I promise. I'm just tired. I told you I wasn't sleeping well, remember? Please just trust me. Everything's going to be okay."
"Positive. C'mon. You're as tired as I am," Brynna said. "Things'll look better after some rest. I'll fix waffles for lunch later, and we can look up some stuff online to deal with things."
"No. It's not okay. I just got fired from my fucking job because I told that bastard Mahoney that our quality was going to go down the tubes if we did things his way. Dammit, I worked my ass off for that company!" Angie said.
Paul smiled. "Well then, I think you'll be okay, but I'm going to need to find out exactly what happened."
Paul stared at Brynna. "Look, if I've got a manager screwing around with quality, I need to know about it. Quality is the most critical thing we've got."
Brynna clenched her jaw. "I do. Of course he owns the fucking company." Her right eye ticked. "Ow. You know what? I give up. I'm going to bed. I no longer care what anyone does, as long as I can get a couple of aspirin and a short nap. So fuck it. Come in, have coffee, what the hell ever. Just be quiet about it, because I am going to sleep, and Siobhan still is asleep." With that, she turned and headed for the back door.
Her mother hesitated, but Paul said, "Mrs. Johnson— Angie, I'd really appreciate it if you'd fill me in. From the sound of it, something's going on that I need to know about."
Brynna pulled open the door as her mother reluctantly agreed, went inside, closed it behind her, and crawled back in bed. She'd had enough of the world this morning, thanks.
Brynna gritted her teeth, but she'd long ago decided it wasn't her business. Her mother didn't hurt anyone with her drinking except herself. She wasn't going to start butting in now. Instead, she forced a smile. "How about I make that lunch, huh?" she suggested cheerfully, before leaning over and giving her mother a hug. "I'm sorry I was bitchy, Mom. I really was wiped out. I'm better now."
"That's good," Brynna said, carefully. "I don't know him, much, of course, but he seems fair. Is... that a problem?"
Her mother shook her head. "I don't think so. I don't know. He... I don't know. You know how I always complained about how the bosses didn't know the ass from a hole in the ground?"
"Turns out he does. Used to work on the line." She shook her head. "And he says he wants managers who do, he just can't find them."
"Maybe. He said... he said that if he looks in to things and agrees with me..." Her mother fell silent. "You tell him about my drinking?"
"He knew. Don't know how, but he he knew. And he said... he offered me Mahoney's job. If I stop drinking."
Brynna licked her lips. "You know I've never... never tried to change you. Your choices are your business, as long as they don't hurt anyone else. But if you want to, I'll do whatever you need me to." She held her breath as she waited for the reaction.
Angie stared at the bottle. "I don't know. I don't know if I can stop," she said. "I've been doing it for an awful long time."
"But you never let it control you," Brynna said. "You never went out driving, you never hurt me or Vhana." Her eyes teared up. "Just you. It's up to you. But I'll help. Y-you know I would. Even w-without the job, I'd do whatever you needed me to."
Her mother looked up at her. "Do you think I can?" She looked away again. "And... I don't know if I can do the job. I never had any schooling after I dropped out."
"You can do it, if you want to do it," Brynna said. "If you have a reason to do it. And even drunk, you could do better than Mahoney, right?"
Brynna nodded and took it, trying not to snatch it too obviously. "You betcha." She headed straight for the bathroom and opened it, up-ending the bottle over the toilet.
When she got back to the kitchen, her mother was digging out a skillet. "Waffles, you said?" she asked.
"I'll cook," her mother said, shaking her head. "You've had to take care of yourself way too long. Go get your sister up and see if she wants any."
Brynna hesitated. "But... I... I always cook breakfast for lunch on Saturday. Um. What else am I supposed to do?" She was strangely torn between feeling happy and hurt. Happy that her mother wanted to do things again, but a little bit hurt, too, because she was used to being needed for things like that. It was a bizarre feeling, and she wasn't quite sure how to react to it.
Her mother grinned. "Well, you could call your girlfriend up and see if she wants to come over for lunch. I'd like to meet her."
Okay, that she knew how to react to. Sheer, absolute panic sounded good. "Um. I'm not sure she's... I mean, I don't know if... he might not let her be my girlfriend. We hadn't really... finished talking about it."
"That's not the impression I had," Brynna said. "I mean... um... it's kind of a weird situation. I'm... honestly not comfortable with it yet."
"No. She's thirteen, actually. Her birthday is tomorrow," Brynna said. "But I didn't know that until yesterday. She was in my classes, so I thought she was my age. And Vhana... well, that bothered her less than it did me, really."
"Really?" her mother asked. "I'm surprised. But I guess if she's in your classes rather than Siobhan's, it's not quite the same."
"She was in Vhana's classes. I guess she tested out of them, later on," Brynna said. "You'd have to ask her what she thinks, really. It's not my place to guess. But I didn't know how old she was. I really thought she was at least fourteen."
"I trust you to make your own decisions," Brynna said. "And I've never given you any reason not to trust me, either."
"I didn't say I didn't trust you, honey. I don't guess I've been much of a mother to you, but I'm still your mother. And I do want to know about that sort of thing."
"I just... I consider that sort of thing to be... private," Brynna said. "Not for talking about with strangers."
"But you did talk about it with him," her mother said. "He told me he'd told you he was okay with it as long as she didn't get hurt."
"Well, he was worried about her. And she is twelve," Brynna said. "So I could understand that. I honestly kinda figured he'd come to tell me to stay away from her. But the idea of the two of you talking about my hypothetical sex life together is... creepy. I mean, it'd be okay for you to ask me in private, but talking about it with strangers is just icky."
Her mother smiled. "Well, he didn't go into details. In fact...." She gave her daughter a look. "I got the distinct impression that there was something he wasn't telling me."
"Look, I don't ask for details about your sex life, do I?" Brynna asked. "This is all quite embarrassing enough without going into detail. I imagine you were just as awkward and confused when you started out as I will be."
Her mother snorted. "God, I hope not. There's no way that little girl ought to have to put up with that sort of thing. I hope to god you're better at it than I was."
Brynna looked away, cheeks flushed. "We're not in... um... any huge hurry. I haven't even absolutely 100% agreed it'd be a good idea, even, but if I do, it'll be worth taking the time to do it right. I'll take good care of her. I'm not going to do anything that she'll regret later on."
"Good," Angie said. "But..." She looked down at the pan of bacon. "I wish we were close enough that you could tell me about it."
"Mom... that kinda close just doesn't exist for me," Brynna said. "I... this kind of thing is really hard for me. I'm just a private sort of person."
"I can't blame you," her mother said. "It just... hurts, when some guy I've never met knows more about you than I do."
"He only knows what he does because she told him," Brynna said. "And I only told her to go ahead and tell him because I thought he'd tell her she couldn't see me anymore if he did, then I wouldn't have to worry about it."
"You said it yourself... She's Siobhan's age. And..." Brynna hesitated, then decided that part of the truth would be safe enough, anyway, "And she was very... serious about everything. Combined with her age, that scared me."
"Love at first sight?" Angie said. "I can see why that would bother you." She dug under the cabinet for the waffle iron and plugged it in.
"I'm not very good at this sort of thing," Brynna said. "I wasn't expecting any of it. I guess... well, I guess it just seemed like the easiest way out. I wouldn't even have to tell her 'no' because he'd do it for me, and I wouldn't have to see the look on her pretty little face. It was... cowardly."
"So she's pretty, as well as smart?" her mother asked, digging through the refrigerator and pulling out the milk and eggs.
Brynna snorted. "Hey, don't worry about it. According to statistics, neither do half the people out there. You're not exactly an anomaly."
"Still. I can't really tell you how you know." Angie managed a smile. "If you figure it out, maybe you can tell me."
"Is it that bad?" her mother asked. "I know you looked really bad earlier this week..." She sighed. "Honey, I'm sorry. You know it's not that I didn't want to be here..."
Brynna shook her head. "Not that. Just being confused. I've never... never met someone I couldn't stop thinking about before."
"Not really," Brynna said. "I mean... I knew I could enjoy looking at them, but I thought what I wanted... eventually, that is... was a guy. I just thought I was being very picky, since I wasn't in any hurry."
Brynna shrugged. "Got me alone. Let me know that trying to pretend she didn't exist was hurting her feelings."
"Then we talked," Brynna said. "And that's pretty much it. I found out about the age thing, freaked again, told her I wouldn't do anything without her father's permission... since she said she trusted him more than anyone else... and sent her home."
"Well, if he's okay with it... I guess I'll have to be, too. Just... try to be discreet around your sister, okay? She doesn't need you stirring up... feelings, just yet."
"Trust me, Mom. I've thought that aspect through thoroughly," Brynna said. "I'm not going to do anything that might hurt her development, or influence her negatively."
"Good," her mother said. "Look, I don't want you to think I don't trust you, but... I know how young love can be. You get overwhelmed."
"I'm going to be the most careful person you could ever imagine," Brynna said fervently. "Trust me."
Angie smiled, just a little. "I know you mean that now, but it's a little different when it comes down to it. Just... at least try to keep your door closed, okay?"
"Um. You know... maybe you'd feel better if you talked to her," Brynna suggested. "I don't know what you're thinking I might turn her into, but... she's got her own ideas about what she wants outta life, and such, and I think you might just be crediting me with a bit more influence than I'm actually likely to have."
"I don't think you're going to turn her into anything, honey," her mother said. "But if she sees and hears you having sex, well... she's going to get interested."
"Mom. She's a normal, healthy young girl. You can bet she's interested already," Brynna said. "But she's also a very smart young girl. She's not going to do anything stupid. She has no problems with self esteem, or with saying 'no'. If you're worried about what choices she might make, then ask her. Her answers might surprise you, but they won't make you worried that she'll get pregnant."
"Anyone can make a mistake. But it's only screwing up if you let it be. If you don't do anything to make up for it, to make it better," Brynna said.
"So? What's done is over, there's no way to change it, so don't even think about it," Brynna said. "You've gotta work with what's here now, and what's coming. You might not can make it better. But you can make it good."
Brynna shook her head. "I don't know. That'd be between you and her. But it'd start with talking about it, instead of pretending it doesn't exist. If you listen to her, she'll let you know how. You'll be able to tell what she needs from you."
Brynna shook her head. "You needed me. She needed me. Lots of people have things a hell of a lot worse. We made it okay, right? That's what's important. You couldn't do it alone."
"For what? If you're sorry for what you can't help, don't be, that's dumb," Brynna said flatly. "If you're sorry for something else, then say so, because it doesn't count unless I know that you know what you did wrong!"
"I'm not any good at that, obviously," her mother said. "So help me out, here. What should I be sorry for?"
Brynna's shoulders were stiff. "Think about it. Think about everything that's happened that brought to where we are now.... making it by such a bare little edge that anything unexpected could bury us, you not even knowing your own daughters' sexual orientation, Siobhan not being able to talk to you... think about all of that, and then figure out which of the things that caused it were within your control. What did you have any power over? What could you have changed to make it better? If you know the answer to that question, if there is one, then that's what you did wrong, and that's what you should be sorry for, but don't fucking offer me apologies for things that you couldn't help because that's not being sorry that's feeling sorry for yourself!"
Angie looked her daughter in the eye. "No. I won't feel sorry for that, because if there's one thing I did right in my life, it was having the two of you. I refuse to regret that. Even if it's been hard, the two of you are the best things that ever happened to me."
Brynna screeched in frustration. "I never blamed you for that! That was just a little mistake! I like being alive, and I love my baby sister. Anyone can be young and stupid and get taken advantage of. It's what you do after that happens that matters. And you fixed that problem. It took you a while, but you finally caught on and threw the last jerk out, what the hell are you still so ashamed of? If we're so good, why are we still a mistake to you?"
"You aren't. But you asked what it was that brought us here... it's trying to raise two kids on one income," her mother said. "And I can't and won't regret having you, ever. You aren't a mistake. Don't ever think that."
"No. It's not." Brynna glared at her. "I don't give a damn about the money. Neither does Vhana. We would have been perfectly happy living in a one-room efficiency down Southside, if it meant you had more time to spend with us. We've never given you any reason to think we were that shallow."
Her mother looked at her. "No, you aren't," she said softly. "But I saw what happened to too many of the kids who grow up there. I thought you had a better chance here. Maybe I was wrong... but it doesn't look like it to me."
"It wouldn't have mattered. Here or there, it would have been the same. Lots of parents work two jobs," Brynna said, her voice cool. "They just are very careful to make the time they do have count, so that they don't end up being strangers to their own kids."
Brynna's jaw clenched. "No. I think it's you choosing the liquor. Once you made that choice, it took away all your others."
Her mother looked at her for a long moment. "Then I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry I picked drinking over spending time with you and your sister."
Brynna's chin trembled, and she stared fixedly at the floor, trying to keep the tears from falling. "It wasn't just over us. It was over you, too." Despite her best efforts, a tear trickled down her cheek to splash on the tile floor. "You chose it over living. Work and drink and that way you never have to feel, you can't make any mistakes because you aren't making any choices but someone has to make those choices, and I didn't know how, and Mama I'm so tired... And I have no right to tell you what to do, but I don't want to lose you. I don't want you to leave us all the way."
Brynna resisted for a moment, then just melted, crying. "I'm sorry! I'm just so tired, and I don't want to be alone... I can't do it alone. I waited and waited but you never wanted me to help you!"
Angie pulled her close. "I'm sorry, honey, god, I'm so sorry. I'm here now. I'll stay here. I promise.
Brynna let herself be held for a bit, giving in to the momentary weakness, then straightened up, rubbing at her eyes. "I don't want Siobhan to catch me crying," she explained, sniffling. "It bothers her. So." She smiled timorously. "We can do this, right? There's... research and stuff, all sorts of resources on quitting. And if we can't do it in time for this job... then it'll be good for the next. You've got experience. And dedication. You never missed work. We can work with that. Put your resume up on Monster and Dice, and places like that. And since he fired you, you'd get unemployment, too. That, plus what I can bring in in the evenings, and we'll be okay long enough for you to find something with some potential. It's... it's going to be okay. R-right?"
Her mother nodded. "I can do it. And I've got some time. He... he said the company would pay for counseling, if it was needed."
Brynna blinked. "R-really? Wow. I... that's... Wow. I guess he really is a nice guy. Anne wouldn't trust him if he wasn't, but... well... you know, men."
Brynna shrugged. "Eh, whatever. My algebra teacher is a nice guy. I just don't really... care for them. I'm not prejudiced or anything, just not interested."